This week, I've also been thinking a lot about the significance of those days to this guy:
Alek's father left me when Alek was 5 and a half months old. Consequently, he left Alek. Of course, I've never talked about it in that way to Alek. Alek's dad loves him and tries hard to be involved in his life. They have a good relationship. Alek enjoys talking to him on the phone and going to visit him. It's always been important to me to nurture Alek's relationship with his dad, even though his dad does so many things I disagree with. Because kids should be able to love their parents. I never wanted him to feel abandoned by his father. I always have tried to shield him from the heartache of divorce as much as possible. During those years between the end of my first marriage and the beginning of my eternal marriage, I feel like I was a pretty good mom. Alek thrived and was happy. I longed to provide him with a different type of home and family, one where there was a father and a priesthood holder and where he would grow up with the example of a healthy, happy marriage and could have siblings. But in the meantime, I felt like I was doing okay. Additionally, I had the support of both my family and Jared's family. Alek had excellent role models in his grandfathers and his uncles. And I felt that Heavenly Father made up for a lot of what was lacking. We were blessed.
And then along came Josh and a whirlwind courtship and a new man in Alek's life.
When Josh and I got married, we told Alek he could call Josh anything he wanted, as long as it was nice. I think we'd been married three days when Alek first started calling Josh "Dad" (much to Jared's chagrin). This was the first indication of how much Alek felt he had been missing out on. As time went on, Alek began to love Spiderman and sports and drawing -- all of Josh's greatest interests. There was a fairly long period of time when every single time Alek would play a make-believe game, he would take the name Josh for whatever character he was playing. And then several months ago, it happened. Josh and I were arguing and Alek started to cry. "I don't want you to get divorced. I don't want to not have a dad again."
Of course, Alek has always had a dad and always will. And as I said, his bio-dad has always made efforts to be involved, to demonstrate his love and concern. But Alek's comments confirmed what I always have known to be true, but have tried not to overemphasize for the sake of Alek's feelings -- that it's not enough. It's hard to say that in this day and age. I feel guilty saying it. I know there are so many good people out there who are raising their children separately and they love and adore their children and they're doing the absolute best that they can. And divorce sometimes is a better option for a family than a couple staying together. It was in my and Jared's case, mostly because Jared had completely given up. But I am so glad I got the chance to start again and to give Alek what I had -- parents who are married, who love each other, who love you and who are there every single day. Although there are many out there who will not have that and many of those individuals will still turn out okay (or awesome, like in the case of my mom), Alek's life, his behavior, his reactions make it clear to me what has been revealed to be true: A whole, intact family with married parents -- a mom and a dad -- is the best thing for kids. And it's what we all want, deep down. We must all know that it's true, deep down, even though it's not PC to say it.
The funny thing is, Alek and Josh have a difficult, tumultuous relationship. They are often frustrated with each other. They're not very much alike at all, despite Alek's desire to love everything Josh loves. (Although, I've been told by Josh that they get along much better when I am not around. And I am pretty sure I know the reasons for that.) But even with all the struggles they experience because of each other, Alek recognizes that Josh is his real dad. And he never, ever wants that to change.
On November 28, 2003, Josh, Alek and I became the Barker Family. And on December 30, 2004, we made it eternal. And although Alek does not legally share our name and is not sealed to me and Josh, I truly believe he is a part of our family, here and through all eternity.
A mom and dad who love each other, who love God and who live up to their covenants the best they can -- that's what it takes to make a family, one that lasts forever.
