Saturday, June 23, 2012
School's Out for Summer
Alek and Katie finished a successful year at Golden Valley Charter School. Alek will be entering 7th grade and Katie will be entering 1st grade in August. I know they are both ready -- intellectually, emotionally and socially -- to move into these grades and am so grateful I chose to send them to a school where they are among the oldest kids in the class, rather than the youngest.
We received Alek and Katie's end-of-year reports from school this weekend. Here are a few of the nice things their teachers said about them.
We received Alek and Katie's end-of-year reports from school this weekend. Here are a few of the nice things their teachers said about them.
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| Alek felt he needed to show his teenage attitude a month early |
Friday, June 22, 2012
Blogging While Angry (At Least It’s Not a Moving Violation)
One of the things I have been doing lately is identifying my “triggers” – things that people say or do or circumstances that will set me off or get me worked up in some way. Well, I just had a run-in with a couple of my triggers, and my blood pressure and pulse are both still high enough that I feel the need to blog about it.
Most of you know that I am pretty insecure. I can’t really remember a time when I was not insecure. From the time I was in elementary school, I have thought of myself as unattractive and unloveable. When you’re insecure, it can be hard to trust people. Then I married a man who acting in a way that reinforced these beliefs about myself and made it even harder for me to trust others than it already was. For instance, I find myself questioning whether or not people who claim to be my friends really like me or if they are just too nice to tell me to take a hike. I also often find it hard to believe that Josh really loves me – or at least loves me enough not to leave me or cheat on me, even though all evidence points to Josh loving me more than any other person or thing in the whole world, including himself.
I don’t go around feeling badly about myself all the time and I don’t have a constant lack of trust, but these experiences are not infrequent and they are always lurking in the shadows of my mind.
Another fact about me: I am really annoyed by arguments that excuse bad behavior because “everybody does that.” You know, besides breathing, sleeping and eating, I am not sure there is anything we can say that “everybody” does (and think of all the people who need help to do even those basic things), so I just don’t like those types of broad generalizations. I also have never understood why “everybody” doing something wrong makes it okay to do. I also hate the arguments excusing bad behavior because it’s “natural.” For instance, a couple of years ago on Facebook, one of my female friends posted a link to an article about some politician being caught in adultery and lamented our inability as a society to realize that it wasn’t logically sound to expect a man to be monogamous. Biology and evolution are to blame for men’s wandering ways, and women should just accept the fact and not expect their husbands to be faithful. The only reason we’re upset by such things is because society has conditioned us to be. Poppycock, I say.
So imagine how I felt today at lunch with my friends when I was talking about the boorish behavior of married men, sitting around having lengthy discussions about how hot women who are not their wives are and being told “all men do that.” At which point, I started to get really annoyed. (I was already slightly annoyed by some of the conversation leading up to this.)
I know not everyone shares my view on things, but to me, a man, married or not, who sits around talking about how hot women are is an immature man. I’m not talking about saying a girl is cute or beautiful or attractive. Josh and I have had conversations with each other where he or we have acknowledged that a certain female is attractive or pretty or what have you. That does not bother me at all. I am well aware that there are very many attractive people in the world and that my husband has eyes and a brain and can recognize beauty. And that doesn’t upset me and I don’t think there is a thing wrong with that.
Talking about women as being “hot” is a totally different thing. There is element of lust there that I think both objectifies the woman being spoken about and is disrespectful to the woman to whom you are married or are dating. A few years ago, I was witness to a conversation wherein a 40-year old married man with three children made several comments (in front of his wife) about how hot a certain actress in a movie was and how good she looked in her skin tight leather costume and how that was the whole reason to go see the film. I think that is gross. And just so you know, I also think this is gross behavior for women to engage in. It’s one thing to think a guy is handsome. It’s quite another to go see New Moon so you can drool over Taylor Lautner without his shirt on (and if you are old enough to be his mother or even his aunt, that’s even worse).
I can understand why young people get caught up in this kind of behavior, but at some point, shouldn’t you grow up enough to be past it? And if you’re unsure of when that point should be, I would suggest that if you are married – no matter your age – you should be past it. And I don’t think convincing yourself that “every man” behaves in such a way should make you feel okay that you do it.
But I didn’t say any of that to my friends. My response was that Josh doesn’t do that. So then my friends said “well, not in front of you, but he does that with his friends.”
And my blood boiled.
Dear friends, please do not tell me that my husband does things behind my back. Please do not try to convince me that Josh doesn’t tell me about it because he knows it would upset me, but of course he is having those conversations with his friends. I would be upset if Josh were the type of guy who spent his time in that way, but I would be more upset if I thought he were lying to me. Which he very well knows. Also, please don’t try to convince me that you are a better judge of my husband and his behavior and his character than I am, simply because you know he is a man and you know what “every man” is like.
I don’t know if you can ever really know another person. I thought I knew someone once and it turned out I was very wrong. So I can only go on what people tell me and what I hear and see myself and hope they are being real. What I see and hear from Josh is that he is a man who finds it disrespectful to “check a woman out” – a worldview he had before he ever met me and that his co-workers and friends used to tease him about. What I see and hear from Josh leads me to believe he wouldn’t lie to me. There are things Josh has done in his past and in our marriage that he is not proud of, just like me. But Josh has been open with me about all those things and has never made excuses for his mistakes, but taken full accountability for them. He is an honorable, good man. I don’t need you trying to convince me otherwise.
I know I shouldn’t have gotten mad. In truth, I think my friends were upset with me for saying that it was gross for men to talk about women being “hot” because their husbands do that. And they probably need to believe that every man does that so they feel okay about the fact their husband does it. And because they talk that way about men. There are some things we see eye-to-eye on, but there are whole areas where our views on right and wrong are totally divergent. I get that. And I’m absolutely certain I could have handled the situation better and that the whole thing started because I was talking about things I should have known better than to talk about in front of them in the first place. And I know I got upset because their few words on the matter unleashed that monster of insecurity and distrust that lies in wait for the perfect opportunity to bring me down and make me doubt.
But I also know that they’re wrong.
Most of you know that I am pretty insecure. I can’t really remember a time when I was not insecure. From the time I was in elementary school, I have thought of myself as unattractive and unloveable. When you’re insecure, it can be hard to trust people. Then I married a man who acting in a way that reinforced these beliefs about myself and made it even harder for me to trust others than it already was. For instance, I find myself questioning whether or not people who claim to be my friends really like me or if they are just too nice to tell me to take a hike. I also often find it hard to believe that Josh really loves me – or at least loves me enough not to leave me or cheat on me, even though all evidence points to Josh loving me more than any other person or thing in the whole world, including himself.
I don’t go around feeling badly about myself all the time and I don’t have a constant lack of trust, but these experiences are not infrequent and they are always lurking in the shadows of my mind.
Another fact about me: I am really annoyed by arguments that excuse bad behavior because “everybody does that.” You know, besides breathing, sleeping and eating, I am not sure there is anything we can say that “everybody” does (and think of all the people who need help to do even those basic things), so I just don’t like those types of broad generalizations. I also have never understood why “everybody” doing something wrong makes it okay to do. I also hate the arguments excusing bad behavior because it’s “natural.” For instance, a couple of years ago on Facebook, one of my female friends posted a link to an article about some politician being caught in adultery and lamented our inability as a society to realize that it wasn’t logically sound to expect a man to be monogamous. Biology and evolution are to blame for men’s wandering ways, and women should just accept the fact and not expect their husbands to be faithful. The only reason we’re upset by such things is because society has conditioned us to be. Poppycock, I say.
So imagine how I felt today at lunch with my friends when I was talking about the boorish behavior of married men, sitting around having lengthy discussions about how hot women who are not their wives are and being told “all men do that.” At which point, I started to get really annoyed. (I was already slightly annoyed by some of the conversation leading up to this.)
I know not everyone shares my view on things, but to me, a man, married or not, who sits around talking about how hot women are is an immature man. I’m not talking about saying a girl is cute or beautiful or attractive. Josh and I have had conversations with each other where he or we have acknowledged that a certain female is attractive or pretty or what have you. That does not bother me at all. I am well aware that there are very many attractive people in the world and that my husband has eyes and a brain and can recognize beauty. And that doesn’t upset me and I don’t think there is a thing wrong with that.
Talking about women as being “hot” is a totally different thing. There is element of lust there that I think both objectifies the woman being spoken about and is disrespectful to the woman to whom you are married or are dating. A few years ago, I was witness to a conversation wherein a 40-year old married man with three children made several comments (in front of his wife) about how hot a certain actress in a movie was and how good she looked in her skin tight leather costume and how that was the whole reason to go see the film. I think that is gross. And just so you know, I also think this is gross behavior for women to engage in. It’s one thing to think a guy is handsome. It’s quite another to go see New Moon so you can drool over Taylor Lautner without his shirt on (and if you are old enough to be his mother or even his aunt, that’s even worse).
I can understand why young people get caught up in this kind of behavior, but at some point, shouldn’t you grow up enough to be past it? And if you’re unsure of when that point should be, I would suggest that if you are married – no matter your age – you should be past it. And I don’t think convincing yourself that “every man” behaves in such a way should make you feel okay that you do it.
But I didn’t say any of that to my friends. My response was that Josh doesn’t do that. So then my friends said “well, not in front of you, but he does that with his friends.”
And my blood boiled.
Dear friends, please do not tell me that my husband does things behind my back. Please do not try to convince me that Josh doesn’t tell me about it because he knows it would upset me, but of course he is having those conversations with his friends. I would be upset if Josh were the type of guy who spent his time in that way, but I would be more upset if I thought he were lying to me. Which he very well knows. Also, please don’t try to convince me that you are a better judge of my husband and his behavior and his character than I am, simply because you know he is a man and you know what “every man” is like.
I don’t know if you can ever really know another person. I thought I knew someone once and it turned out I was very wrong. So I can only go on what people tell me and what I hear and see myself and hope they are being real. What I see and hear from Josh is that he is a man who finds it disrespectful to “check a woman out” – a worldview he had before he ever met me and that his co-workers and friends used to tease him about. What I see and hear from Josh leads me to believe he wouldn’t lie to me. There are things Josh has done in his past and in our marriage that he is not proud of, just like me. But Josh has been open with me about all those things and has never made excuses for his mistakes, but taken full accountability for them. He is an honorable, good man. I don’t need you trying to convince me otherwise.
I know I shouldn’t have gotten mad. In truth, I think my friends were upset with me for saying that it was gross for men to talk about women being “hot” because their husbands do that. And they probably need to believe that every man does that so they feel okay about the fact their husband does it. And because they talk that way about men. There are some things we see eye-to-eye on, but there are whole areas where our views on right and wrong are totally divergent. I get that. And I’m absolutely certain I could have handled the situation better and that the whole thing started because I was talking about things I should have known better than to talk about in front of them in the first place. And I know I got upset because their few words on the matter unleashed that monster of insecurity and distrust that lies in wait for the perfect opportunity to bring me down and make me doubt.
But I also know that they’re wrong.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Josh, the Father
On Father's Day, I usually spend a lot of time thinking about my Dad -- how blessed I am to have him as my dad, how much I miss him, how funny and silly he was, what a great example he was, how much he loves me.
And I don't spend as much time thinking about Josh, usually. And I don't typically go out of my way to make the day special for him or make sure the kids do something for him. Pretty lame, right?
Of course, Josh doesn't care. Because he's awesome like that.
But I've been thinking a lot about Josh today, about the kind of man he is, the kind of father he is.
When women get married, they make a decision about who it is they want to be the father of their children. For me and Josh, that was not some abstract idea in the future, it was a reality from the first day of our wedded life. At the age of 28, Josh decided to become Dad to a 4-year old boy who he had never had the opportunity to hold in his arms as an infant or see take his first step or hear speak his first word and who still had another dad involved in his life. I don't think I appreciate the enormity of this enough. Of course, I don't think Josh really appreciated the enormity of what he was doing either. He loved me, he wanted to be with me and Alek was a part of that deal. Most guys I'd met during my years as a single mom were so put off by that they wouldn't even take the risk of liking me, much less loving me. But Josh -- well, I told Josh about Alek and showed him his picture within just a couple of hours of meeting him and it only phased him for about 30 seconds. He didn't find the first opportunity to slink away from me, but instead spent the rest of the night right by my side. I had a feeling from the first night this guy was a keeper.
When Josh and I started talking about getting married, I asked him if he could love Alek as his own. Josh didn't give me some pat answer or the "right" answer. He didn't tell me what I am sure he knew I wanted to hear. He didn't say, "Yes! Of course!" He said, "I think so. I'll try. I'll do my best." At the time, I remember being disappointed, but looking back, I realize this is demonstrative of one of the big things that attracted me to Josh -- he is honest. There was no pretense, no show, no trying to make a good impression. He was just himself and he always shared with me his true thoughts and his true feelings. He still does. His integrity provides such a good example to me and our children.
When Josh and I got married, I told Alek he could call Josh whatever he wanted, as long as it was respectful. He didn't have to call him "Dad." Josh and I got back from our honeymoon on November 30. By December 2, Alek was calling him "Dad." It was like Alek had been starving and Josh was the feast he needed. (My experience with Alek make it impossible for me to understand how people can think fathers aren't that important, but that's a post for a different day.) Alek expressed to me how happy he was to have a dad who lived with him.
I wish I could say that means that Josh and Alek's relationship has been easy. It hasn't. The truth is that their relationship is complicated, sometimes difficult. As much as Alek loved having a dad, he also resented the changes that took place in his relationship with me and in his life overall. And it was hard for Josh to adjust to not just being a husband, but a father too. And there was this other man hovering around the edges of our family life, making it all the more difficult; a man Josh didn't like and didn't respect. But the nature of our life was such that Alek spent more time with Josh than he did with me, and despite the difficulties of the transition and the complications that are inherent in a "step" relationship, they bonded quickly and truly came to love each other. For almost nine years, Josh has been taking Alek to school, making him meals, teaching him how to throw and catch and ride a bike and do dishes. A couple of months after we got married, Alek got the stomach flu. Josh cleaned Alek up and all the mess he made, gave him a blessing, then slept on the living room couch all night to make sure Alek was okay. (I slept in our bedroom, completely ignorant of what was going on.)
Josh doesn't realize it, but Alek basically worships the ground he walks on. There was a period of time in Alek's life when "Josh" was the name he picked for himself in practically every make-believe game he played. For years, Alek told me he wanted to be an artist, even though he doesn't even like to draw. I'm a fan of the 49ers and the Phoenix Suns, but Alek loves the Raiders and the Sacramento Kings -- Josh's favorite teams. As Alek gets older, he is not as obsessive about being just like Josh, but it's still so obvious to me how Alek emulates this man who chose to be his father. Alek and I were talking on the phone yesterday (Alek's in Arizona for a month), and he insisted on talking to Josh. When Josh got on the phone, Alek just started making these weird noises into the phone instead of talking. Guess where he got that from?
Just 3 weeks before our second anniversary, I gave birth to Katie, Josh's first biological child. That man was in love with this baby the minute he saw her on the ultrasound. Josh isn't a crier, but he cried both when he found out we were having a girl and the night she was born (good crying, you know).
Josh was so tender with our little red-headed angel. The joy he felt taking care of her was palpable. With all of our babies, he has been happy to take care of them in the middle of the night and to let me sleep. (Well, most of the time.) He's really sweet with his little ones. And they all adore him. Josh has been the stay-at-home parent for most of the past nine years, and he has borne this responsibility well. In fact, it's a responsibility he loves. He fully acknowledges that being married and having children is what has given him purpose, direction and meaning. He is happy with his life and he knows it's because he has other people to think about and care for. I know Josh sometimes feels like he has failed us (me in particular) because he isn't the breadwinner. Josh may not be the one making the money, but he still looks after our temporal needs and is definitely the patriarch of our home. He calls us together for song, scripture and prayer every night. We work together to get the kids ready for church every Sunday. He teaches the kids responsibility and hard work. He uses the priesthood to bless us and the kids often see him go out to use his priesthood to bless others, usually with no more than a few minutes warning. Josh is respectful and considerate of others. You will often hear my children call people "sir" or "ma'am." They didn't get that from me.
It's been said that the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. In this, there is no better father than Joshua Lee Barker. I am absolutely convinced that there is no other man in the world who loves his wife more than Josh loves me, and there certainly is no other man in the world who could ever love me like Josh does. It's Father's Day and I should have been spoiling Josh all day. Instead, he stayed home from church with the sick kids so that I could go. He changed diapers and dressed kids and gave showers. He made dinner. Every time I would try to get up to do some small thing around the house, Josh would say "Take a load off, hon. I got it." This is the way it is, all the time. It's a good life with a good man who is a good father. We are blessed.
And I don't spend as much time thinking about Josh, usually. And I don't typically go out of my way to make the day special for him or make sure the kids do something for him. Pretty lame, right?
Of course, Josh doesn't care. Because he's awesome like that.
But I've been thinking a lot about Josh today, about the kind of man he is, the kind of father he is.
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| Wedding Day November 28, 2003 |
When Josh and I started talking about getting married, I asked him if he could love Alek as his own. Josh didn't give me some pat answer or the "right" answer. He didn't tell me what I am sure he knew I wanted to hear. He didn't say, "Yes! Of course!" He said, "I think so. I'll try. I'll do my best." At the time, I remember being disappointed, but looking back, I realize this is demonstrative of one of the big things that attracted me to Josh -- he is honest. There was no pretense, no show, no trying to make a good impression. He was just himself and he always shared with me his true thoughts and his true feelings. He still does. His integrity provides such a good example to me and our children.
When Josh and I got married, I told Alek he could call Josh whatever he wanted, as long as it was respectful. He didn't have to call him "Dad." Josh and I got back from our honeymoon on November 30. By December 2, Alek was calling him "Dad." It was like Alek had been starving and Josh was the feast he needed. (My experience with Alek make it impossible for me to understand how people can think fathers aren't that important, but that's a post for a different day.) Alek expressed to me how happy he was to have a dad who lived with him.
I wish I could say that means that Josh and Alek's relationship has been easy. It hasn't. The truth is that their relationship is complicated, sometimes difficult. As much as Alek loved having a dad, he also resented the changes that took place in his relationship with me and in his life overall. And it was hard for Josh to adjust to not just being a husband, but a father too. And there was this other man hovering around the edges of our family life, making it all the more difficult; a man Josh didn't like and didn't respect. But the nature of our life was such that Alek spent more time with Josh than he did with me, and despite the difficulties of the transition and the complications that are inherent in a "step" relationship, they bonded quickly and truly came to love each other. For almost nine years, Josh has been taking Alek to school, making him meals, teaching him how to throw and catch and ride a bike and do dishes. A couple of months after we got married, Alek got the stomach flu. Josh cleaned Alek up and all the mess he made, gave him a blessing, then slept on the living room couch all night to make sure Alek was okay. (I slept in our bedroom, completely ignorant of what was going on.)
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| My Clowns |
Josh doesn't realize it, but Alek basically worships the ground he walks on. There was a period of time in Alek's life when "Josh" was the name he picked for himself in practically every make-believe game he played. For years, Alek told me he wanted to be an artist, even though he doesn't even like to draw. I'm a fan of the 49ers and the Phoenix Suns, but Alek loves the Raiders and the Sacramento Kings -- Josh's favorite teams. As Alek gets older, he is not as obsessive about being just like Josh, but it's still so obvious to me how Alek emulates this man who chose to be his father. Alek and I were talking on the phone yesterday (Alek's in Arizona for a month), and he insisted on talking to Josh. When Josh got on the phone, Alek just started making these weird noises into the phone instead of talking. Guess where he got that from?
Just 3 weeks before our second anniversary, I gave birth to Katie, Josh's first biological child. That man was in love with this baby the minute he saw her on the ultrasound. Josh isn't a crier, but he cried both when he found out we were having a girl and the night she was born (good crying, you know).
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| November 3, 2005 |
Josh was so tender with our little red-headed angel. The joy he felt taking care of her was palpable. With all of our babies, he has been happy to take care of them in the middle of the night and to let me sleep. (Well, most of the time.) He's really sweet with his little ones. And they all adore him. Josh has been the stay-at-home parent for most of the past nine years, and he has borne this responsibility well. In fact, it's a responsibility he loves. He fully acknowledges that being married and having children is what has given him purpose, direction and meaning. He is happy with his life and he knows it's because he has other people to think about and care for. I know Josh sometimes feels like he has failed us (me in particular) because he isn't the breadwinner. Josh may not be the one making the money, but he still looks after our temporal needs and is definitely the patriarch of our home. He calls us together for song, scripture and prayer every night. We work together to get the kids ready for church every Sunday. He teaches the kids responsibility and hard work. He uses the priesthood to bless us and the kids often see him go out to use his priesthood to bless others, usually with no more than a few minutes warning. Josh is respectful and considerate of others. You will often hear my children call people "sir" or "ma'am." They didn't get that from me.
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| Now we are seven |
Friday, June 08, 2012
How Depression May End Up Being the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me
I recently completed a one-session depression overview course and a three-session depression management course, which I found both interesting and enlightening. I wanted to share some of what I have learned here.
One of the first things we talked about is how it’s hard to manage our feelings and thoughts, but we can manage our behavior and through managing our behavior, our thoughts and feelings can be changed. This was not touted as a cure-all, but rather as a first step. It encouraged me in continuing on with these courses, because it rang so true for me, was a reminder of what I already knew to be true. The doctor talked about how we can choose to do things, even when we don’t feel like doing them, and we can choose not to do other things, even when we really feel like doing them. Our feelings do not control our actions. We are not powerless. Even when I am depressed, I can make myself get off the couch and take care of things that need to get done. It may not be easy, but I can do it. [Disclaimer: He was not talking about people suffering from major depression, who may require medication before they can make it off the couch.] For me, this was the big take away from the first course.
In the first session of the depression management course, we were given a list of the top ten ways to battle depression (besides medication). Number one on the list was exercise. I’ve heard this before, of course, but as I have recently taken up walking again and have been feeling much better about myself and life overall just by doing that one simple thing, the concept was reinforced. The psychologist who ran this course said that exercise is the closest thing we have to a panacea. So increasing activity has become one of my top priorities.
I also learned that medication is only effective for about 40% of depressed people. This leads me to believe, not that depression isn’t “real” or that we just need to “get over it”, but that depression isn’t about chemical imbalances for most people. I am not a huge fan of the “side” effects that about 40% of people experience on anti-depressants, so I have decided to try other methods of dealing with this issue first. If I wasn’t getting better, I would definitely try medication, so this isn't some anti-medication stance, just the approach I feel is right for me.
The depression management course was mostly about incorporating the top ten strategies, addressing and combating distorted thinking, and engaging in pleasurable and worthwhile activities. This website has the basic run-down on distorted thinking: http://sourcesofinsight.com/10-distorted-thinking-patterns/. As we talked about these cognitive traps, I recognized myself in almost of them. We also talked about “hot thoughts” – our automatic thoughts in response to situations that illicit negative emotion. Hot thoughts are like grooves in our thinking – we can pull out of them, but when a trigger occurs, we’re right back in the rut. Habitual thinking. We need to recognize when we’re giving into cognitive distortions or slipping into our “hot thoughts” and then challenge those thoughts. Look at the situation like a scientist and examine the evidence for and against what you’re thinking. Then decide if your original thought is accurate or if there is an alternate or more balanced thought that is a better reflection of reality.
In the final session, we talked a little bit about coping strategies and that these generally fall into three categories: 1) affective (emotion-based approach, e.g. crying, sharing your feelings, getting angry), 2) action-oriented (e.g. taking a class) and 3) distraction/avoidance (e.g. reading a book, playing a computer game). I thought the psychologist would talk about which one or ones were best and which were bad, but he didn’t. Instead he said that we should recognize which one or ones tend to be our go-to strategies and then work on developing a strength in the other area(s) because all of these strategies have their place and are useful and it was healthiest to move through them. He compared it to finding out you have a chronic medical problem. It’s okay, normal, healthy to be upset, to cry. You should share with your friends and family what’s going on and how you feel. You should also take to a doctor or specialist about what to do, study up on the malady, implement strategies for dealing with it. But you also shouldn’t think about it all the time or have your whole life revolve around it. You should distract yourself with work, church, family, friends, outings, etc. This rang true to me.
Lastly, we talked about positive psychology, the science of happiness. The therapist said that the class up until that point had been focused on helping us become “undepressed”, to reach a baseline. He said that was the easy part. Happiness goes beyond that baseline, and it is hard work. He talked about a couple of different concepts around happiness. He talked about a book called Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, a Harvard professor. He played squash avidly, devoted a lot of time and energy and effort to it, sacrificed for it and won a national title. And he was happy. Briefly. Then the happiness faded. And it made him wonder why the happiness was so fleeting. What went wrong? Eventually he discovered that he loved winning and he loved playing squash, but he hated training. He hated the process. So happiness is in part choosing to do things that we enjoy the process of and partly learning to love the process, because life is a process. At least, that is the lesson I took away from it.
Our teacher drew a graph on the board that looked like this (Dr. Ben-Shahar calls this the “Hamburger Model of Happiness”:
I was going to walk through it with you, but the blog I found this picture on has a good description: http://10consulting.blogspot.com/2007/09/hamburger-of-happiness.html.
The major take-away – happy people do things that have a positive benefit in the present and in the future.
The last thing we discussed is the one I really can’t get out of my mind. The doctor had us draw three circles on our paper. In the first circle, we wrote down things that we did that brought us pleasure. I wrote down things like singing, writing, reading, playing games/reading/dancing with my kids, spending time with my husband, etc. In the second circle, we listed those things that brought meaning to our life; for me, my relationship with God and understanding of eternal truth, my family, personal relationships, and sharing my talents with others made the list. In the third circle, we wrote down our strengths. This was the hardest one for me, but I tried to push back my distorted thinking and my false modesty and came up with: honest, forgiving, singing, writing/expressing myself verbally and smart. Something I just came up with now that should be on the list – my desire to be good. I truly want to be a good person.
Then the doctor drew a Venn diagram of the three circles and told us the secret of happy people – they spend time on those things that fall in that section in the middle, where all three circles meet. Not everything we do in life can be that way, of course. I am not sure I will ever convince myself I take pleasure in doing the dishes. But I do dishes because I want to be good and because I love my family, so it hits two out of the three at least, and that’s not bad.
The big take-away for me was this: writing and singing basically came up in all three categories. They bring me pleasure, they’re areas of strength and I find meaning in sharing my gifts with others. I feel like God has been giving me a lot of signals lately about things I am supposed to be doing and one of them has been: Work on your comic book. When I say it out loud or write it down, I feel ridiculous. When I tell other people Josh and I are working on a comic book together, I feel a little embarrassed. It seems like the dream of a foolish kid who hasn’t faced the reality of responsibility for himself or others. But it keeps coming up. And if we could get it published and make this kind of work our source of income, it would mean the realization of a lot of things I value and take pleasure in – spending time with Josh, being at home more, having the flexibility to volunteer at my kids’ schools, sharing the things I know to be true (because I want to write works that express truth). It would be amazing.
Maybe it won’t ever work out. But it definitely won’t if I don’t try. I have to stop being afraid and just go for it.
I also thought about how I need to do a better job of writing on this blog. This is a way I can hit that sweet spot on the diagram right now, and I am not taking advantage of it. Here’s hoping I will do better.
This post, however, was not for you, dear reader, but for me. For me to remember what I learned, the things that really struck a chord with me and that I want to work on. If you found it at all interesting, that is a bonus.
One of the first things we talked about is how it’s hard to manage our feelings and thoughts, but we can manage our behavior and through managing our behavior, our thoughts and feelings can be changed. This was not touted as a cure-all, but rather as a first step. It encouraged me in continuing on with these courses, because it rang so true for me, was a reminder of what I already knew to be true. The doctor talked about how we can choose to do things, even when we don’t feel like doing them, and we can choose not to do other things, even when we really feel like doing them. Our feelings do not control our actions. We are not powerless. Even when I am depressed, I can make myself get off the couch and take care of things that need to get done. It may not be easy, but I can do it. [Disclaimer: He was not talking about people suffering from major depression, who may require medication before they can make it off the couch.] For me, this was the big take away from the first course.
In the first session of the depression management course, we were given a list of the top ten ways to battle depression (besides medication). Number one on the list was exercise. I’ve heard this before, of course, but as I have recently taken up walking again and have been feeling much better about myself and life overall just by doing that one simple thing, the concept was reinforced. The psychologist who ran this course said that exercise is the closest thing we have to a panacea. So increasing activity has become one of my top priorities.
I also learned that medication is only effective for about 40% of depressed people. This leads me to believe, not that depression isn’t “real” or that we just need to “get over it”, but that depression isn’t about chemical imbalances for most people. I am not a huge fan of the “side” effects that about 40% of people experience on anti-depressants, so I have decided to try other methods of dealing with this issue first. If I wasn’t getting better, I would definitely try medication, so this isn't some anti-medication stance, just the approach I feel is right for me.
The depression management course was mostly about incorporating the top ten strategies, addressing and combating distorted thinking, and engaging in pleasurable and worthwhile activities. This website has the basic run-down on distorted thinking: http://sourcesofinsight.com/10-distorted-thinking-patterns/. As we talked about these cognitive traps, I recognized myself in almost of them. We also talked about “hot thoughts” – our automatic thoughts in response to situations that illicit negative emotion. Hot thoughts are like grooves in our thinking – we can pull out of them, but when a trigger occurs, we’re right back in the rut. Habitual thinking. We need to recognize when we’re giving into cognitive distortions or slipping into our “hot thoughts” and then challenge those thoughts. Look at the situation like a scientist and examine the evidence for and against what you’re thinking. Then decide if your original thought is accurate or if there is an alternate or more balanced thought that is a better reflection of reality.
In the final session, we talked a little bit about coping strategies and that these generally fall into three categories: 1) affective (emotion-based approach, e.g. crying, sharing your feelings, getting angry), 2) action-oriented (e.g. taking a class) and 3) distraction/avoidance (e.g. reading a book, playing a computer game). I thought the psychologist would talk about which one or ones were best and which were bad, but he didn’t. Instead he said that we should recognize which one or ones tend to be our go-to strategies and then work on developing a strength in the other area(s) because all of these strategies have their place and are useful and it was healthiest to move through them. He compared it to finding out you have a chronic medical problem. It’s okay, normal, healthy to be upset, to cry. You should share with your friends and family what’s going on and how you feel. You should also take to a doctor or specialist about what to do, study up on the malady, implement strategies for dealing with it. But you also shouldn’t think about it all the time or have your whole life revolve around it. You should distract yourself with work, church, family, friends, outings, etc. This rang true to me.
Lastly, we talked about positive psychology, the science of happiness. The therapist said that the class up until that point had been focused on helping us become “undepressed”, to reach a baseline. He said that was the easy part. Happiness goes beyond that baseline, and it is hard work. He talked about a couple of different concepts around happiness. He talked about a book called Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, a Harvard professor. He played squash avidly, devoted a lot of time and energy and effort to it, sacrificed for it and won a national title. And he was happy. Briefly. Then the happiness faded. And it made him wonder why the happiness was so fleeting. What went wrong? Eventually he discovered that he loved winning and he loved playing squash, but he hated training. He hated the process. So happiness is in part choosing to do things that we enjoy the process of and partly learning to love the process, because life is a process. At least, that is the lesson I took away from it.
Our teacher drew a graph on the board that looked like this (Dr. Ben-Shahar calls this the “Hamburger Model of Happiness”:
I was going to walk through it with you, but the blog I found this picture on has a good description: http://10consulting.blogspot.com/2007/09/hamburger-of-happiness.html.
The major take-away – happy people do things that have a positive benefit in the present and in the future.
The last thing we discussed is the one I really can’t get out of my mind. The doctor had us draw three circles on our paper. In the first circle, we wrote down things that we did that brought us pleasure. I wrote down things like singing, writing, reading, playing games/reading/dancing with my kids, spending time with my husband, etc. In the second circle, we listed those things that brought meaning to our life; for me, my relationship with God and understanding of eternal truth, my family, personal relationships, and sharing my talents with others made the list. In the third circle, we wrote down our strengths. This was the hardest one for me, but I tried to push back my distorted thinking and my false modesty and came up with: honest, forgiving, singing, writing/expressing myself verbally and smart. Something I just came up with now that should be on the list – my desire to be good. I truly want to be a good person.
Then the doctor drew a Venn diagram of the three circles and told us the secret of happy people – they spend time on those things that fall in that section in the middle, where all three circles meet. Not everything we do in life can be that way, of course. I am not sure I will ever convince myself I take pleasure in doing the dishes. But I do dishes because I want to be good and because I love my family, so it hits two out of the three at least, and that’s not bad.
The big take-away for me was this: writing and singing basically came up in all three categories. They bring me pleasure, they’re areas of strength and I find meaning in sharing my gifts with others. I feel like God has been giving me a lot of signals lately about things I am supposed to be doing and one of them has been: Work on your comic book. When I say it out loud or write it down, I feel ridiculous. When I tell other people Josh and I are working on a comic book together, I feel a little embarrassed. It seems like the dream of a foolish kid who hasn’t faced the reality of responsibility for himself or others. But it keeps coming up. And if we could get it published and make this kind of work our source of income, it would mean the realization of a lot of things I value and take pleasure in – spending time with Josh, being at home more, having the flexibility to volunteer at my kids’ schools, sharing the things I know to be true (because I want to write works that express truth). It would be amazing.
Maybe it won’t ever work out. But it definitely won’t if I don’t try. I have to stop being afraid and just go for it.
I also thought about how I need to do a better job of writing on this blog. This is a way I can hit that sweet spot on the diagram right now, and I am not taking advantage of it. Here’s hoping I will do better.
This post, however, was not for you, dear reader, but for me. For me to remember what I learned, the things that really struck a chord with me and that I want to work on. If you found it at all interesting, that is a bonus.
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