This has been bothering me for some time

When I tell you a story about my ex or show you a picture of him or whatever, do not say, "you should have known." It's just rude and hurtful. Do not take the most horrible thing that another human being has ever done to me and try to make it my fault. It's not nice.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.

Ever Wonder What I Do for a Living?

I plan this.

Katie's Birthday

We celebrated Katie's birthday with a party at Grandma and Grandpa's a few days after Katie turned 5. I spent several hours that morning making Katie her shark cake. It didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it, but it looked pretty good, I think. Katie absolutely LOVED it, which was the most important thing.

Katie got rain boots from Grandma and Grandpa, a Pinkalicious doll and book from Aunt Kim and Uncle Aaron, and a shark painting set from Aunt Doreen and Uncle Jon. Mom and Dad didn't give Katie her present until a couple of weeks later, which I will write about in another post.

Kate had a great birthday and was very happy about everything. One thing I love about my children is their easy joy and exuberance. It doesn't take much for them to be excited and grateful and happy. Katie's birthday was no exception.

Here are some pictures from the party. Excuse the red eye. I can't figure out how to photoshop it out of my pictures.

Katie is just about the greatest person ever created. I feel so incredibly blessed to be her mom. She is such a pistol, a total crack-up, sweet, affectionate, nurturing, bossy, sassy, stubborn, ethereal, silly, delightful -- she just rocks. Sometimes she can be a real stinker, but that's just part of her charm. I'm looking forward to seeing the woman my girl will become. But I am hoping that doesn't come too quickly and that I will have plenty of time to enjoy her as she is now.

Halloween at Home

We did sorta celebrate Halloween at home. We went through about a 2 week period where the stomach flu and a cold were making the rounds and Fitz decided to throw up the day of the Ward Halloween party. So I took Alek and Katie with me to the party and Josh stayed home with the two little boys.

A kinda creepy picture of me with Alek and Katie before the Ward party

At our Ward party, we have inside room-to-room trick-or-treating instead of doing a trunk-or-treat outside. I greatly appreciate this since I nearly lost Alek at the trunk-or-treat in 2007. Ward members sign up for a room to decorate and pass out candy from. Grandpa Gene and Grandma  Linda did a room:

And because Alek begged and pleaded, I did a room, too.

You may recognize these decorations from my "Halloween at Work" post. Yes, I cannibalized my work decorations for the Ward party. I did this because: a) I hate scary stuff, b) I have very few Halloween decorations and don't have the budget to or even want to buy more and c) I am lazy.

In addition to trick-or-treating, there were games for the kids and a light dinner. Alek mostly tried to stay away from me and Katie the entire evening. But I did get a shot of the two of them with Grandma.

Katie insisted on getting a picture with Brittney, one of my former Beehives and a frequent babysitter.

Charlie did get a little bit of a Halloween experience. He dressed in costume for school on Friday and they had a little party with cupcakes and candy.

Doesn't Charlie look thrilled?

Fitz's Halloween was limited to him trying on his costume. But he looked cute!

Thanks to my sister-in-law, Doreen, for outfitting all my children!

Proof I Used to Be Cute

Two and half years ago, I'd lost 47 pounds. I was still 13 pounds overweight, according to Weight Watchers. And I looked like this.

See how silly I felt free to be? That's because I was confident.

Why did I undo all my hard work and why can't I motivate myself to get skinny again?

Halloween at Work

This year, Halloween at work lacked the energy and excitement of previous years. It was pretty sad. Everyone seems to be busier than usual this year, there have been a lot of personnel changes and I think everyone is burned out. But it was still a fun day, even if it wasn't as amazing as it has been in years past.

We decided to have a floor theme this year -- the 50's. Each department did a different take on that time period -- Finance did a high school, Member Programs did a diner and sock hop and my department did a drive-in. We were really hoping to win this year, but ended up coming in 2nd, which is still way better than where we have ended up in the past.

 Finance -- Spinelli High

Member Programs -- Judy's Diner

Drive-In Entrance

Tickets (Alysia)

Snack Bar (Angela)

One of our drive-in cars (Regina and Steve)

Car #2 (Me and Kim)

The winners this year were our Human Resources gals (plus one former employee) who did a Charlie Brown theme. They really did an awesome job.

As part of our drive-in theme, we decided to film a snack bar commercial and show that along with some trailers, rather than showing an entire movie (which was our original idea). Our CEO is technically in our department and always participates in Halloween festivities, but this year had a meeting he could not get out of. So we decided to incorporate him into the commercial. He's the hot dog. I think everyone looks at him differently now. Anyway, here is what we showed at our drive-in (including the trailers, because this is how I got the file).

Everyone loved our video. I think that is what propelled us into 2nd place.

So all in all, it was a fun day. And I got to reuse some of the items for my ward Halloween party . . .

Why Being Less Than Rich Is Sometimes Stinky

I love to travel. Traveling costs money. Money that I do not have. Sigh.

My sister, Jen, and her family just took this amazing vacation to southern California -- their first real vacation as a family. It only took 18 years. And I am totally coveting their trip.

Because that's how I am.

And they got to go to Disneyland and California Adventure. And we all know how I am about that.

Plus, I just really want to get away. All the time, pretty much. I guess because I want to avoid real life or something like that. But that's another post and I don't feel like exploring my psyche this evening.

So for the past week, I've been trying to convince myself that I can take a vacation to Orlando or Disneyland or DC or . . . you get the idea, all because I have an extra paycheck coming later this year (3 in one month, instead of the 2 we normally live off of -- happens twice a year).

The truth is, there are a bajillion other things, far more practical and responsible things that I could and should do with that money. BUT I JUST WANT TO GO TO DISNEYLAND. I mean, I've only been there twice this year. I need to go again, right? (Yes, I have a disease.)

Today, I finally managed to talk myself out of my madness. If I want to go to Disneyland, there are some debts I need to pay off first and I need to save up money and plan way in advance. And I need to take the kids back with me.

But I still plan to travel.

Josh's mom owns a house in Salinas, a 20 minute or so ride to Monterey. Katie desperately wants to go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. So Josh and I decided that should be her birthday present. As long as the house is ready for visitors and it's okay with Josh's mom, the plan is to drive down on a Friday afternoon, spend the night, visit the Aquarium and the beach the next day and then drive home.

Also, Josh and I need to get away together. We're run down. So, if we can get someone(s) to take our kids, the plan is to drive down the coast to Santa Barbara the week after Christmas, celebrating both our wedding and sealing anniversaries (7 years and 6 years, respectively). Day one we'd drive to San Francisco to Santa Cruz to Salinas. We'd spend the night in Salinas and then do Salinas/Monterey/Carmel the next day. I'd like to go to the National Steinbeck Center, stroll along Cannery Row and Fisherman's Wharf, check out the tide pools, visit 17 mile drive and walk the streets of Carmel and visit all the art galleries. Josh and I went on our honeymoon trip to Monterey in late December of 2003, so it would be nice to go back at the same time this year.

The Lone Cypress, a 17 Mile Drive landmark

We'd spend the night in Salinas again, then drive to Big Sur to San Simeon (and visit Hearst Castle and the Piedras Blancas Elephant Seal Rookery) to San Luis Obispo. I'd love to stay at the Madonna Inn in SLO (but probably won't because it's expensive) and make Josh eat in the pink restaurant:

The Gold Rush Steakhouse at the Madonna Inn

We'll drive Pismo Beach to Santa Barbara (which is what Josh really wants to do, since Psych is set there -- yes, that is really why) and then we'd come home.

Highway One is completely gorgeous, so it should be an amazing trip. The plan is to stay at a hotel just one night and to bring most of our food with us so we don't spend a lot of money. And I will just have to deal with getting that close to Disneyland, but stopping and then coming home.

Some Highway 1 Sights:

Limekiln State Park

Point Sur Lighthouse

Bixby Bridge

Next year, I'll be in Utah in early July for the Geer Family Reunion and hopefully San Diego in late July for Comic-Con so Josh and I can try to convince someone to publish our comic book, Blackstone. And then the plan is to save money and go to Disneyland in November 2011. And maybe Sea World, the San Diego Zoo and Universal Studios. We'll see.

Doesn't that sound much smarter than blowing all my money now and potentially making it impossible for me to go to my family reunion next July and feeling super guilty about how I am spending my money?

I think so too.

Fitz -- 18 Months

Height: 34.5 inches -- above 95th percentile
Weight: 28 lbs. 12 oz.-- 80th percentile-ish
Head Circumference: 19 3/4 inches -- 95th percentile

Conclusion: Barker children are enormous monsters. And adorably cute.

New Pieces

Josh has been working on getting pieces ready to sell at the Sacramento Horror Convention. He's been working with colored pencil on charcoal paper, which has a cool effect, I think. We don't have scanned copies yet, so I decided to take photographs of them. I'm not a very good photographer. But here they are:

Alien

 

 

Predator

Shaun of the Dead

To The Rescue

This is the story of three rescues. 

Rescue # 1: This weekend was Gold Rush Days in Old Town Sacramento. Once I found out about it, I knew I wanted to take the family and see the gun fights and pan for gold and listen to the old timey music played by live bands and see the ballroom dance troupes perform period dances. They cover the streets of Old Town in dirt. How can you not want to go to that?  The problem is, of course, that taking our kids anywhere is a challenge and that Charlie can make it especially challenging, just depending on how he reacts to what you're doing. And you never know how he is going to react. Josh really didn't want to go, but he knew it was important to me. So we loaded up the kids in the car and began the drive to Old Town.

Charlie started crying as soon as we hit the freeway. I kept thinking he would stop. We couldn't even begin to guess what he was upset about. Josh wanted to turn around and go home, but I convinced him to press on. My sister-in-law, Doreen, wanted to take her family too, so we'd made arrangements to meet up there. I didn't feel like we could just turn around. Plus, I wanted to at least give it a shot -- maybe Charlie would calm down.

We parked at the downtown mall. Charlie cried as we put him in the stroller. Charlie cried on the elevator. Charlie cried in Macy's. I got Charlie out of the stroller and carried him. Charlie cried all the way through the mall and the tunnel that leads to Old Town. Then Charlie saw the horses pulling wagons and stagecoaches through Old Town and he stopped crying. He loves horses. I thought we'd be good from then on out. We met up with Jon, Doreen, Lukas and Josselyn and headed out into the streets of Old Town to try to see what we could see. There was a gun fight going on. As soon as Charlie heard the first gun shot, it was over. He started crying again and wouldn't stop. Josh'd had it. He hung back with Charlie and Fitz while the rest of us took in the gun show, but then he wanted to go. I felt terrible. Katie and Alek were so excited to be out doing something new and fun and to be with their cousins. I didn't want to have to take them home.

Jon and Doreen offered to keep Katie and Alek with them so they could enjoy the festivities. This was very good, because it alleviated some of my guilt and also because Katie had started crying and I think Josh's head was about to explode from having to deal with fussy children. Katie and Alek stayed and enjoyed Old Town for a while, then their nice aunt and uncle took them swimming at the amazing Folsom Aquatic Center.

We did get a few pictures of Gold Rush Days before we left.

Josh and I headed for home. Charlie and Fitz fell asleep about 10 minutes into the ride. So Josh and I took a drive.

After a while, Charlie and Fitz both woke up and were in much better moods. So Josh and I took them to Target, just to walk around. Charlie loves Target. He was happy and smiling and squealing with delight. Fitz was relatively subdued and serene. Bless his heart.

Some background to what I've been feeling before I tell you the next rescue story:

Every once in a while, I have a breakdown about the fact that Charlie has autism, and lately I've been having another one. It's just hard, you know? He's been getting poop everywhere, which is just about as much fun as it sounds. He's getting more set in his ways, more particular about food and clothes and where he goes and sounds he can stand and people he wants to be around. And people are starting to stare more, to be rude and judgmental more. His autism is becoming more obvious as he gets older, and he looks even older than he is, so I don't think that helps. I am frustrated because I have no idea what to do to help him. I don't know what he wants from me 90% of the time, even when he is clearly trying to tell me something. I see disabled adults and I start bawling thinking about Charlie as a grown man, but still a child. I worry about not being able to take care of him when he's older or what will happen to him after Josh and I pass away. What if none of his siblings want him or can take him? Will he end up in a group home? The thought breaks my heart. And I get frustrated by all the things that Charlie's autism makes difficult. Josh and I rarely get to be in Sacrament Meeting together. Josh is usually with Charlie, which means I have the other three kids on my own. They don't make that easy. Sacrament Meeting yesterday was so horrible that I kept thinking, "I must have a really strong testimony, because there is nothing else in the world that could compel me to deal with these three in Sacrament Meeting on my own." Eventually that turned into, "I never want to go to church again." (But of course, I will.) And then I was really upset today about having to leave Gold Rush Days. I want to be able to do things as a family, to get out all together and have fun. But I worry we'll never be able to because Charlie won't be able to deal with it.

Rescue Story #2: Josh and I got home from Target, I ran ahead to open the door, leaving Josh to get both boys out of the car. Josh and Fitz come in and Josh says to me, "Where's Charlie?". "I don't know. I didn't have him? Didn't you get him?" Josh runs outside. I start to panic. Josh starts calling for Charlie. Now I am really panicking. Josh had gotten Charlie out of the car first and set him down. Normally when he does this, Charlie goes straight to the door and goes in the house. Josh didn't give it a second thought, but turned right around to get Fitz out of the car. He didn't see Charlie, but just assumed he'd come inside. I checked the entire house and even the backyard, which he couldn't possibly have gotten into since both the door to the yard and the fence were locked. I put Fitz in his crib and go outside with Josh. We look all over the front yard, including the ditch by our driveway, the overgrown bushes, etc. Josh runs up and down the street shouting his name. We see no trace of him. Our across the street neighbor says she didn't see a little boy walking on the street. I go back in the house and yell all over my 1000 square feet for him. I look everywhere again and again. Nothing. Josh gets in the van to drive around the neighborhood to look for him. And I start crying hysterically.

"My baby, my baby. Oh, Heavenly Father, don't let anything happen to my baby. Please be safe. Oh, Charlie, please don't do this to me."

Stuff like that.

I call my father-in-law, but he isn't there. My 13 year old nephew is there. He can hear that I am upset, probably because I am still crying hysterically. I tell him Charlie is lost and to say a prayer. I keep trying to pray, but I can't form coherent thoughts. I am pacing through the house crying. I want to call my mom, but realize that isn't rational. I decide I need to call the police. I look up the phone number on the internet and am about to place the call when I hear the front door open. I rush out to the living room and see the most wonderful sight I've ever beheld.

Josh has Charlie in his arms.

I run to him and cry even harder as I hold my Charlie and kiss him. When Josh got in the van, he was going to drive around our block, but he felt impressed to go towards the main road. Josh tells me that Charlie had gotten almost all the way to the main road, where he surely would have been killed. It's a busy street. Right before he got to the main street, a woman saw him and stopped him. He let her pick him up and she waited for someone to come looking for him. She told Josh her own son had been killed by a car when he had wandered away one time, so she is very sensitive to these types of things and didn't even stop to wonder what she should do when she saw Charlie wandering down the street on his own. She also said she could tell he was autistic, because he was so sweet and happy. Josh thanked the woman, collected Charlie and came home. Josh and I are still shaken by this. For Charlie, it's like nothing happened. He came home happy and was delightful and delighted the rest of the day.

As Josh and I talked about this, we discussed how all of our frustration and irritation have melted away. The poo, the screaming, the fussiness, the inability to communicate with him -- none of it matters. All that matters is that he is okay. Almost losing him shocked us into remembering how grateful we are for him. It also made me realize just how devastated I would be if I didn't have Charlie. Autism is just part of the package deal if you want Charlie in your life. He is worth it. And I am absolutely 100% sure that the hand of God was at work in my family's life today and that my Heavenly Father was watching out for this sweet angel boy. And I am eternally grateful.

Rescue # 3: About 2 and a half hours ago, my father-in-law, Gene, came over and asked me to go with him to help a homeless lady who he'd run into outside of Walgreen's. She was sitting on a bench, crying. She had a severe cold. She had been sleeping outside for the past several days. My father-in-law told me that he wanted to help her because if he wanted to call himself a Christian, he better act like one. He wanted to get her a hotel room for the night, but it wouldn't have been appropriate for him to drive her by himself, so he asked for my assistance. I drove over to the Walgreen's with him and met Dusty. She was a very nice lady, probably not much older than me. She told us about her life as we drove her to a hotel. She seemed like she'd just had bad luck -- one of the many unemployed in this country who now have nowhere to go. She usually stays in shelters, but you have to call to get your name on a list to stay in those shelters and she didn't have any money to pay a phone bill. Gene paid for her hotel room. He's going to pick her up in the morning (along with some sisters from the ward) and pay her phone bill and try to get her a room at one of the nicer shelters. He's also going to see if he can help her find a job. He said, "maybe we can help make her life a little better." I love my father-in-law.

And I love my Heavenly Father. I love him for all the opportunities and experiences he gives me that help rescue me from selfishness, pride, jealousy, despair, frustration, negativity, doubt, sorrow. And I love my Savior for his ultimate rescue, that will eventually purge me of all those things permanently.

Who do these pictures remind you of?

April '09

August '09

The Last Few Seconds

It's the end of this video that makes it so perfect. Please to enjoy -- Katie singing "Where Have All the Staplers Gone" from Veggie Tales.

My Charlie

Sometimes, when I look at Charlie in a quiet, tender moment and see his sweet, angelic face, I imagine what it will be like to meet him one day in the Celestial Kingdom and to be able to really talk to him and truly know him as he is underneath all of his disability. And I imagine him as a being so incredibly beautiful and magnificent that I will marvel that God saw fit to send him to me.

I try to think about that when I am cleaning poop off of walls. 4 or 5 nights a week.

Fitz's First Haircut

Josh and I have been talking about cutting Fitz's hair for a while now, but just hadn't gotten around to it. Then yesterday, Fitz was mistaken for a girl twice while out running errands with Dad. And that was that.

BEFORE:

DURING:

AFTER:

 Personally, I miss his hair.