Yesterday was a difficult day at church. Charlie was having a rough time of it. He is doing better in Sacrament Meeting and it has miraculously been quite a while since Josh has had to take him out. The downside is that Primary seems to be getting more difficult for him. He hates Sharing Time. He especially hates it when his regular teachers aren't there. And one just moved and the other is only there about half the time. :( I'm the music leader and he hates that I am up there leading music instead of paying attention to him. And he is hungry because we have church during lunch time. (Which probably means I should start bring snacks for him, which has never occurred to me until right now as I was typing this. Wow. But in my defense, they normally have snacks for him in class.)
Charlie has basically gotten to the point where someone has to hold him and walk around with him during all of Sharing Time. And I feel bad having other people do it, since he's not their kid, but they have to for at least part of the time because I am up there leading music. But then I try to do it. The kid weighs 40 pounds. I am out of shape and almost 7 months pregnant. It's not easy to carry him around for long. But I try to do it anyway. He tried to bite me twice on Sunday. He was really mad. I thought he would be better in class. But there were substitute teachers in his class and he didn't know them. And they didn't have any food. Just a lesson with some pictures. Not even a craft. They were not prepared at all to deal with Charlie. But I had to go lead music for Senior Primary. I left the room with Charlie on the floor crying. I told the subs that if Charlie didn't calm down, they should either take him to Nursery or go get Josh. I saw one of the subs walking Charlie in the hallway as I led the music. (They did eventually take him to Nursery, where he happily ate a banana and macaroni and cheese and played with puzzles.)
In the meantime, I was trying to deal with the Senior Primary kids. They were acting like they normally do, but I was not prepared to deal with it this week. I was so tired and sad from dealing with Charlie. And the kids were all just talking and goofing off (they have no respect or consideration for me or any of the other teachers) -- including Alek, who had to be separated from the other kids and then when he was put back with the other kids, decided he needed to police the kid sitting next to him. He wasn't singing, so Alek was trying to get him to sing. The boy kept motioning like he was going to punch Alek every time Alek "encouraged" him to sing. Then Alek got mad and decided to try to kick him. I literally moved over to him and grabbed him by the arm and made him go stand in the corner in the middle of the song I was conducting. Then after singing time was over, I took him out in the hall and read him the riot act and cried. Next Sunday is Alek's last Sunday in Sharing Time in our ward. He'll be leaving to visit his dad for a month and won't be back until the weekend of his 12th birthday, when he'll be going into Young Men's for the third hour. There literally has not been one single Sunday since I have been in Primary that Alek has behaved well during Sharing Time. It's very discouraging. And he's been in trouble twice at school lately because of his temper and outbursts. I don't know what to do with him.
Then, as we were finally leaving, I passed by one of Charlie's subs and his family. I overheard them talking as I approached, the dad showing his little boy where he got bitten on his hand by one of his students. His little boy (the same kid who Alek tried to kick in Primary, by the way) got very upset and was like, "Which kid did this? I'll kill him! No one hurts my dad!" At this point, I was right in the mix with them and the dad started speaking in Spanish, I guess thinking I wouldn't understand what they were saying, trying to spare my feelings (because he's really a very nice man). I know enough Spanish to know that he was telling his son that it was okay because the child who bit him was special.
I got into the car exhausted and sad. It was one of those Sundays where I wanted to shout, "I'm never doing this again!" But then Katie wouldn't be able to give the scripture and opening prayer in Sharing Time next week and she would be devastated. She squealed with delight when her name was announced after the assignment slips were pulled from the mailbox. And even though it's pretty rare these days that I feel spiritually uplifted by my experiences at church, we'll keep going. Because we need to and I need to and it won't always be like this. And because even though they make it difficult sometimes, I do love my children and I know they need to be at church.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Confession Time
I don't want to write any catch-up posts. The idea completely bores me. And frankly, I can't even remember what has happened these past several months of my life. I was supposed to write about December in my next post. Here is what I remember about December 2010 -- we had Christmas. We decided to simplify the gift giving which was absolutely the right thing to do. My in-laws let me put together and run a Christmas Eve program at their house. It was nice. The end.
Which is not exactly true, but I am just not excited at the idea of revisiting each month from Dec. 2010 to May 2011 in excruciatingly boring detail. So sue me. Pictures from that time frame are posted on Facebook. They tell a lot of the story.
One other important thing from December -- I confirmed I was pregnant. With Jane. She's cute. Her pictures are on Facebook, too. She'll arrive sometime around August 12.
But now it's time for true confessions -- within the past two weeks, I have turned into a total Drop Dead Diva addict. (I can picture my sister, Jen, cringing right now as I write about a TV show. I know, it's lame, but bear with me.) I always wanted to watch it, but we got rid of cable not too long after it came on TV and I dodged the bullet. But then Season 1 ended up on Netflix Instant and I finally caved and watched it -- the whole season in like two or three days. Which is just sad. And then I looked online and found out all of the season 2 episodes were on the Lifetime site. And I got through them really fast. Okay, again, I admit -- sad. This is a horrible waste of my time. I've been doing a lot of that lately, unfortunately.
Anyway, the premise of the show, if you don't know, is that this aspiring model dies in a car accident, but her soul comes back to earth in the body of a short, overweight attorney named Jane and she has to adjust to a new body, a new life and deal with working with her beloved, who doesn't know she is hanging out in Jane's body. You can see why this would appeal to me. But it's just gotten me thinking even more about weight and body image issues, which I think about pretty much constantly anyway. Because it's always in my face and because my doctor is on my case about the weight I've gained while pregnant and because I am happy to be a big fat pregnant lady instead of just a regular big fat lady because I feel much less embarrassed and ashamed to leave the house than I did 6 months ago but also unhappy because I feel like I can't do anything about my weight right now and everything I have been trying to do to keep my weight down has apparently been a huge failure since I have now gained 13 pounds this pregnancy and I just feel like giving up.
So Jane is a big girl. Overweight is a generous term as it's pretty obvious to me that, medically, she is obese. She is also very pretty, an amazing singer, smart, kind, and great at her job. In addition to watching the Season 2 episodes, I've also been reading the comments that people have posted about certain episodes. For a while there, Jane was dating this cute guy and one of the commenters posted something about how they thought this guy was so great because he could look past the outer shell and into the heart of a woman.
And I cannot tell you how much that comment bugged me. Why is there this assumption that if you are overweight or fat or obese or whatever that no man in their right mind could possibly ever be physically attracted to you, but only want to be with you because he was noble enough to look past the outer shell and find out that under all those layers of fat there's a heart of gold? That's just nonsense and it frankly does not make a big girl like me feel very good about herself. I realize that most men are not physically attracted to large girls, but that doesn't mean no man is. Maybe this guy dating Jane didn't have to look past the outer shell at all, but liked the outer shell and who she is as a person, too. Is that so unbelievable? It shouldn't be, because it happens. It definitely happens. Ask Josh. He's quite attracted to me and he dated and liked other big girls long before he ever met me. And I don't think Josh is the only guy in the world who feels okay with big girls.
Some other commenter felt the need to berate the show for showing big as beautiful and promoting an unhealthy lifestyle and portraying thin as "bad" (which it totally doesn't do, by the way). Here's my response to that -- blah, blah, blah.
I live in a world that basically tells me every single day that I am a deeply flawed burden to society because of my weight. People make a bunch of assumptions about me and my health because of my weight. I mean, come on -- I don't even want to leave the house because I am afraid of what people think of me when they see me. It's ridiculous. And it's wrong. A little over a month ago, a brother in our ward gave a talk about the Word of Wisdom. He was talking about when he was a young convert and the only member in his family and he came to church every Sunday smelling like cigarette smoke because his sister was a chain smoker and how some other people in the ward, it seemed to him, were bothered by it and were perhaps judging him because of it. He talked to his bishop about it and his bishop said something like, "Can you imagine how much the chapel would reek if all of our sins smelled like cigarette smoke?"
And that's how I feel about being fat. Yes, I have a weakness when it comes to food and exercise and it means that I don't look the way I would like to or how other people apparently would like me to. But can you imagine how hideous we would all be if all of our weaknesses and sins took a toll on our physical appearance like a weakness for fatty, sugary foods does? If the worst thing you have to say about me is that I eat too much and don't exercise enough, I'll take it (although, frankly, it means you don't know me that well). In reality, I have much more serious issues I need to work through in order to become a better person, things much more important than losing the 60 pounds that I need to. And I am willing to bet that if I were 60 pounds overweight the rest of my life, but served and loved my fellow man, lived a life of faith, kept the commandments, took care of my family to the best of my ability, and took advantage of the atonement of Jesus Christ by repenting and relying on His mercy, that I could still make it to the Celestial Kingdom. I'm not trying to excuse myself from acknowledging and working on my health issues; I just want to propose that perhaps we as a society (and many members of the Church are guilty of this) have become disproportionately concerned about weight and physical health as opposed to other things that should concern us much more. Society overlooks, excuses and praises a multitude of sins and immorality, but if you're a fatty, well, that's just bad, bad, bad. I'm over it.
But not really. But I am trying to be. Because I think focusing on my weight is a distraction from the things I really need to be focusing on -- I am not loving and serving my fellow man as I should or keeping the commandments as well as I should or taking care of my family as well as I should or seeking the kind of relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that I should have. And those are the things that truly matter. Those are the things that will make me a worthy person. Those are the things that will make me beautiful. Even if I am fat.
Which is not exactly true, but I am just not excited at the idea of revisiting each month from Dec. 2010 to May 2011 in excruciatingly boring detail. So sue me. Pictures from that time frame are posted on Facebook. They tell a lot of the story.
One other important thing from December -- I confirmed I was pregnant. With Jane. She's cute. Her pictures are on Facebook, too. She'll arrive sometime around August 12.
But now it's time for true confessions -- within the past two weeks, I have turned into a total Drop Dead Diva addict. (I can picture my sister, Jen, cringing right now as I write about a TV show. I know, it's lame, but bear with me.) I always wanted to watch it, but we got rid of cable not too long after it came on TV and I dodged the bullet. But then Season 1 ended up on Netflix Instant and I finally caved and watched it -- the whole season in like two or three days. Which is just sad. And then I looked online and found out all of the season 2 episodes were on the Lifetime site. And I got through them really fast. Okay, again, I admit -- sad. This is a horrible waste of my time. I've been doing a lot of that lately, unfortunately.
Anyway, the premise of the show, if you don't know, is that this aspiring model dies in a car accident, but her soul comes back to earth in the body of a short, overweight attorney named Jane and she has to adjust to a new body, a new life and deal with working with her beloved, who doesn't know she is hanging out in Jane's body. You can see why this would appeal to me. But it's just gotten me thinking even more about weight and body image issues, which I think about pretty much constantly anyway. Because it's always in my face and because my doctor is on my case about the weight I've gained while pregnant and because I am happy to be a big fat pregnant lady instead of just a regular big fat lady because I feel much less embarrassed and ashamed to leave the house than I did 6 months ago but also unhappy because I feel like I can't do anything about my weight right now and everything I have been trying to do to keep my weight down has apparently been a huge failure since I have now gained 13 pounds this pregnancy and I just feel like giving up.
So Jane is a big girl. Overweight is a generous term as it's pretty obvious to me that, medically, she is obese. She is also very pretty, an amazing singer, smart, kind, and great at her job. In addition to watching the Season 2 episodes, I've also been reading the comments that people have posted about certain episodes. For a while there, Jane was dating this cute guy and one of the commenters posted something about how they thought this guy was so great because he could look past the outer shell and into the heart of a woman.
And I cannot tell you how much that comment bugged me. Why is there this assumption that if you are overweight or fat or obese or whatever that no man in their right mind could possibly ever be physically attracted to you, but only want to be with you because he was noble enough to look past the outer shell and find out that under all those layers of fat there's a heart of gold? That's just nonsense and it frankly does not make a big girl like me feel very good about herself. I realize that most men are not physically attracted to large girls, but that doesn't mean no man is. Maybe this guy dating Jane didn't have to look past the outer shell at all, but liked the outer shell and who she is as a person, too. Is that so unbelievable? It shouldn't be, because it happens. It definitely happens. Ask Josh. He's quite attracted to me and he dated and liked other big girls long before he ever met me. And I don't think Josh is the only guy in the world who feels okay with big girls.
Some other commenter felt the need to berate the show for showing big as beautiful and promoting an unhealthy lifestyle and portraying thin as "bad" (which it totally doesn't do, by the way). Here's my response to that -- blah, blah, blah.
I live in a world that basically tells me every single day that I am a deeply flawed burden to society because of my weight. People make a bunch of assumptions about me and my health because of my weight. I mean, come on -- I don't even want to leave the house because I am afraid of what people think of me when they see me. It's ridiculous. And it's wrong. A little over a month ago, a brother in our ward gave a talk about the Word of Wisdom. He was talking about when he was a young convert and the only member in his family and he came to church every Sunday smelling like cigarette smoke because his sister was a chain smoker and how some other people in the ward, it seemed to him, were bothered by it and were perhaps judging him because of it. He talked to his bishop about it and his bishop said something like, "Can you imagine how much the chapel would reek if all of our sins smelled like cigarette smoke?"
And that's how I feel about being fat. Yes, I have a weakness when it comes to food and exercise and it means that I don't look the way I would like to or how other people apparently would like me to. But can you imagine how hideous we would all be if all of our weaknesses and sins took a toll on our physical appearance like a weakness for fatty, sugary foods does? If the worst thing you have to say about me is that I eat too much and don't exercise enough, I'll take it (although, frankly, it means you don't know me that well). In reality, I have much more serious issues I need to work through in order to become a better person, things much more important than losing the 60 pounds that I need to. And I am willing to bet that if I were 60 pounds overweight the rest of my life, but served and loved my fellow man, lived a life of faith, kept the commandments, took care of my family to the best of my ability, and took advantage of the atonement of Jesus Christ by repenting and relying on His mercy, that I could still make it to the Celestial Kingdom. I'm not trying to excuse myself from acknowledging and working on my health issues; I just want to propose that perhaps we as a society (and many members of the Church are guilty of this) have become disproportionately concerned about weight and physical health as opposed to other things that should concern us much more. Society overlooks, excuses and praises a multitude of sins and immorality, but if you're a fatty, well, that's just bad, bad, bad. I'm over it.
But not really. But I am trying to be. Because I think focusing on my weight is a distraction from the things I really need to be focusing on -- I am not loving and serving my fellow man as I should or keeping the commandments as well as I should or taking care of my family as well as I should or seeking the kind of relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that I should have. And those are the things that truly matter. Those are the things that will make me a worthy person. Those are the things that will make me beautiful. Even if I am fat.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Rest of November 2010 -- Catch Up Post 1
So I am woefully behind on chronicling my exciting life. For shame.
In November, I travelled to Beverly Hills for CDA’s annual House of Delegates. This was my fourth (and last) trip to Beverly Hills for work and the first time I wasn’t pregnant in BH. (That would come about a week after I returned from my trip.) The meeting went well, but the most important thing about work travel is having some time to bond with co-workers. And I definitely got to do that. Two highlights to note:
1) I finally made it over to the LA Temple grounds. There was no time for me to do a session, due to my work schedule, but I did manage to drag my department colleagues to the grounds and the Visitors Center. It was nice to be able to go and enjoy the Spirit there and also share a bit more about who I really am with these ladies I’ve been working with the last several years.
2) I got to spend a lot of the time on Saturday talking to one co-worker in particular, Olga. We conversed for hours while covering the office desk on a very slow morning, and I truly enjoyed getting to know her better. She and I have very similar values and I learned a lot of interesting things about her life in Estonia and her childhood and her move here to California when she was 14. She’s really a great person.
I also did the typical trying out of a new restaurant (LA Food Show – yummy!) and visiting old favorites (Roni’s and The Farm) and going to Rite Aid in a completely silly mood and trying to keep slimy guys away from Olga and going to the President’s Party.
There was one irritation: Olga loves to take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Do you know how hard it is to stay happy taking seemingly endless numbers of pictures while standing next to your literally 100 pound, gorgeous beyond belief co-worker when you look like me? It’s not awesome, let me tell you. I resorted to being silly. The kicker was when Olga asked a colleague from another department to take pictures of us and she basically spent 10 minutes berating me for not looking good in any of the pics she was taking. I soured on the party, went to my room and cried.
Other than that, a great trip.
An even better trip, however, took place the next weekend. Josh and I gave Katie her birthday present – a trip to Monterey with just Mom and Dad. Friday after work, we drove down to Salinas and stayed the night in Grandma’s little house, which is so cute with all the renovations almost completed. Katie loved it and basically wanted to stay there forever. Having her own room to sleep in was like heaven to her.
The next morning, we drove over to Monterey and visited the aquarium (courtesy of annual passes Grandma bought for all her grandkids, which include two free adult passes each time the child visits – we love Grandma!). The aquarium was awesome and Katie loved, loved it, but bummer of all bummers – the Outer Bay exhibit was closed for renovations. That is the coolest part of the entire place, so we were all a little sad. But it was still amazing. Kate loved looking at the sharks, the octopus, the rays, the jelly fish, the seahorses. She was not a huge fan of the sea otter exhibit, though. What’s wrong with her?!
After the aquarium, we walked around Cannery Row and window shopped and had lunch. Then we drove over to Asilomar Beach and did some rock climbing and tide pool exploring. And then we drove home. A short trip, but a great time and experience for all of us – way better than any toy we could have gotten Katie, for sure. And the boys were pretty good for Aunt Doreen, who graciously babysat them and our house while we were gone. She rocks!
December post coming next. Hopefully, I can remember something from then . . .
In November, I travelled to Beverly Hills for CDA’s annual House of Delegates. This was my fourth (and last) trip to Beverly Hills for work and the first time I wasn’t pregnant in BH. (That would come about a week after I returned from my trip.) The meeting went well, but the most important thing about work travel is having some time to bond with co-workers. And I definitely got to do that. Two highlights to note:
1) I finally made it over to the LA Temple grounds. There was no time for me to do a session, due to my work schedule, but I did manage to drag my department colleagues to the grounds and the Visitors Center. It was nice to be able to go and enjoy the Spirit there and also share a bit more about who I really am with these ladies I’ve been working with the last several years.
 |
| Admin Services Girls at the LA Temple |
 |
| Me in front of the Family statue at the LA Temple grounds |
2) I got to spend a lot of the time on Saturday talking to one co-worker in particular, Olga. We conversed for hours while covering the office desk on a very slow morning, and I truly enjoyed getting to know her better. She and I have very similar values and I learned a lot of interesting things about her life in Estonia and her childhood and her move here to California when she was 14. She’s really a great person.
I also did the typical trying out of a new restaurant (LA Food Show – yummy!) and visiting old favorites (Roni’s and The Farm) and going to Rite Aid in a completely silly mood and trying to keep slimy guys away from Olga and going to the President’s Party.
 |
| Admin Services Girls plus Dawn and Bill at LA Food Show -- delish! |
 |
| Admin Services Girls at The Farm of Beverly Hills |
There was one irritation: Olga loves to take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Do you know how hard it is to stay happy taking seemingly endless numbers of pictures while standing next to your literally 100 pound, gorgeous beyond belief co-worker when you look like me? It’s not awesome, let me tell you. I resorted to being silly. The kicker was when Olga asked a colleague from another department to take pictures of us and she basically spent 10 minutes berating me for not looking good in any of the pics she was taking. I soured on the party, went to my room and cried.
 |
| Me, Olga and Kim at the President's Party |
 |
| Me and Olga, after I decided to stop trying to look good |
Other than that, a great trip.
An even better trip, however, took place the next weekend. Josh and I gave Katie her birthday present – a trip to Monterey with just Mom and Dad. Friday after work, we drove down to Salinas and stayed the night in Grandma’s little house, which is so cute with all the renovations almost completed. Katie loved it and basically wanted to stay there forever. Having her own room to sleep in was like heaven to her.
 |
| Kate in "her" chair -- everything in the house was hers! |
The next morning, we drove over to Monterey and visited the aquarium (courtesy of annual passes Grandma bought for all her grandkids, which include two free adult passes each time the child visits – we love Grandma!). The aquarium was awesome and Katie loved, loved it, but bummer of all bummers – the Outer Bay exhibit was closed for renovations. That is the coolest part of the entire place, so we were all a little sad. But it was still amazing. Kate loved looking at the sharks, the octopus, the rays, the jelly fish, the seahorses. She was not a huge fan of the sea otter exhibit, though. What’s wrong with her?!
 |
| Katie, looking at sharks and having the time of her life |
 |
| In the kids' area at the aquarium |
After the aquarium, we walked around Cannery Row and window shopped and had lunch. Then we drove over to Asilomar Beach and did some rock climbing and tide pool exploring. And then we drove home. A short trip, but a great time and experience for all of us – way better than any toy we could have gotten Katie, for sure. And the boys were pretty good for Aunt Doreen, who graciously babysat them and our house while we were gone. She rocks!
 |
| Katie and Mommy, after Katie climbed this rock and then jumped into my arms |
 |
| This rock was kinda high and far out there. Katie would only have done this with her Dad. |
 |
| Josh and Katie looking at tide pools |
In November, we also celebrated Thanksgiving. The less said about that, the better.
Josh and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary on November 28th. I know we went out to dinner, but remember none of the details. That is what happens when you put off blogging for 6 months. Oh dear!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)