Josh, the Father

On Father's Day, I usually spend a lot of time thinking about my Dad -- how blessed I am to have him as my dad, how much I miss him, how funny and silly he was, what a great example he was, how much he loves me.

And I don't spend as much time thinking about Josh, usually. And I don't typically go out of my way to make the day special for him or make sure the kids do something for him. Pretty lame, right?

Of course, Josh doesn't care. Because he's awesome like that.

But I've been thinking a lot about Josh today, about the kind of man he is, the kind of father he is.

Wedding Day
November 28, 2003

When women get married, they make a decision about who it is they want to be the father of their children. For me and Josh, that was not some abstract idea in the future, it was a reality from the first day of our wedded life. At the age of 28, Josh decided to become Dad to a 4-year old boy who he had never had the opportunity to hold in his arms as an infant or see take his first step or hear speak his first word and who still had another dad involved in his life. I don't think I appreciate the enormity of this enough. Of course, I don't think Josh really appreciated the enormity of what he was doing either. He loved me, he wanted to be with me and Alek was a part of that deal. Most guys I'd met during my years as a single mom were so put off by that they wouldn't even take the risk of liking me, much less loving me. But Josh -- well, I told Josh about Alek and showed him his picture within just a couple of hours of meeting him and it only phased him for about 30 seconds. He didn't find the first opportunity to slink away from me, but instead spent the rest of the night right by my side. I had a feeling from the first night this guy was a keeper.

When Josh and I started talking about getting married, I asked him if he could love Alek as his own. Josh didn't give me some pat answer or the "right" answer. He didn't tell me what I am sure he knew I wanted to hear. He didn't say, "Yes! Of course!" He said, "I think so. I'll try. I'll do my best." At the time, I remember being disappointed, but looking back, I realize this is demonstrative of one of the big things that attracted me to Josh -- he is honest. There was no pretense, no show, no trying to make a good impression. He was just himself and he always shared with me his true thoughts and his true feelings. He still does. His integrity provides such a good example to me and our children.

When Josh and I got married, I told Alek he could call Josh whatever he wanted, as long as it was respectful. He didn't have to call him "Dad." Josh and I got back from our honeymoon on November 30. By December 2, Alek was calling him "Dad." It was like Alek had been starving and Josh was the feast he needed. (My experience with Alek make it impossible for me to understand how people can think fathers aren't that important, but that's a post for a different day.) Alek expressed to me how happy he was to have a dad who lived with him.

I wish I could say that means that Josh and Alek's relationship has been easy. It hasn't. The truth is that their relationship is complicated, sometimes difficult. As much as Alek loved having a dad, he also resented the changes that took place in his relationship with me and in his life overall. And it was hard for Josh to adjust to not just being a husband, but a father too. And there was this other man hovering around the edges of our family life, making it all the more difficult; a man Josh didn't like and didn't respect. But the nature of our life was such that Alek spent more time with Josh than he did with me, and despite the difficulties of the transition and the complications that are inherent in a "step" relationship, they bonded quickly and truly came to love each other. For almost nine years, Josh has been taking Alek to school, making him meals, teaching him how to throw and catch and ride a bike and do dishes. A couple of months after we got married, Alek got the stomach flu. Josh cleaned Alek up and all the mess he made, gave him a blessing, then slept on the living room couch all night to make sure Alek was okay. (I slept in our bedroom, completely ignorant of what was going on.)

My Clowns

Josh doesn't realize it, but Alek basically worships the ground he walks on. There was a period of time in Alek's life when "Josh" was the name he picked for himself in practically every make-believe game he played. For years, Alek told me he wanted to be an artist, even though he doesn't even like to draw. I'm a fan of the 49ers and the Phoenix Suns, but Alek loves the Raiders and the Sacramento Kings -- Josh's favorite teams. As Alek gets older, he is not as obsessive about being just like Josh, but it's still so obvious to me how Alek emulates this man who chose to be his father. Alek and I were talking on the phone yesterday (Alek's in Arizona for a month), and he insisted on talking to Josh. When Josh got on the phone, Alek just started making these weird noises into the phone instead of talking. Guess where he got that from?

Just 3 weeks before our second anniversary, I gave birth to Katie, Josh's first biological child. That man was in love with this baby the minute he saw her on the ultrasound. Josh isn't a crier, but he cried both when he found out we were having a girl and the night she was born (good crying, you know).

November 3, 2005

Josh was so tender with our little red-headed angel. The joy he felt taking care of her was palpable. With all of our babies, he has been happy to take care of them in the middle of the night and to let me sleep. (Well, most of the time.) He's really sweet with his little ones. And they all adore him. Josh has been the stay-at-home parent for most of the past nine years, and he has borne this responsibility well. In fact, it's a responsibility he loves. He fully acknowledges that being married and having children is what has given him purpose, direction and meaning. He is happy with his life and he knows it's because he has other people to think about and care for. I know Josh sometimes feels like he has failed us (me in particular) because he isn't the breadwinner. Josh may not be the one making the money, but he still looks after our temporal needs and is definitely the patriarch of our home. He calls us together for song, scripture and prayer every night. We work together to get the kids ready for church every Sunday. He teaches the kids responsibility and hard work. He uses the priesthood to bless us and the kids often see him go out to use his priesthood to bless others, usually with no more than a few minutes warning. Josh is respectful and considerate of others. You will often hear my children call people "sir" or "ma'am." They didn't get that from me.

Now we are seven

It's been said that the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. In this,  there is no better father than Joshua Lee Barker. I am absolutely convinced that there is no other man in the world who loves his wife more than Josh loves me, and there certainly is no other man in the world who could ever love me like Josh does. It's Father's Day and I should have been spoiling Josh all day. Instead, he stayed home from church with the sick kids so that I could go. He changed diapers and dressed kids and gave showers. He made dinner. Every time I would try to get up to do some small thing around the house, Josh would say "Take a load off, hon. I got it." This is the way it is, all the time. It's a good life with a good man who is a good father. We are blessed.