Finding Courage, Healing and Strength

Life has just been too hard lately, lately being the past four or five months. I haven't been doing too well. I've been struggling with negative feelings and that has been exacerbating my problems, frankly. Although I know that, I find it difficult not to be negative. This is having no good effect on any of my relationships -- not with my family, my co-workers, my friends or with my Father in Heaven. This is a real problem, and, as with all problems, the first step to fixing it is recognizing it. Well, check. So what's the next step? Where do you go from there?

There's been some praying, some meditation, a lot of crying, some temple attendance, some efforts to serve and still my heart has mostly just felt -- hard. There's some anger and bitterness and a whole lot of fear there. I want so badly for all of that to just go away.

After all these months, I've finally realized some things.

A) Despite the efforts I am making to feel better, to feel more connected to the spirit and to Heavenly Father, I'm simply not doing enough. I lack consistency in my efforts and there are some basic, fundamental things I have to be doing on a regular basis if I want to feel better.

B) It's going to take some time. Patience is not a virtue I possess, and the Lord seems determined to help me possess it. So I must wait.

C) The most severe adversity I am facing at this time and that I face in general is not some circumstance I happen to find myself in -- it's me, my flaws, my weakness and, most especially, my pride. I have learned that the point of trials is not for us to overcome them, but for us to overcome ourselves, the natural man part of ourselves that holds us back and holds us down.

D) Although healing is not 100% complete and I probably won't feel like "myself" again for a while, the Lord mercifully allows me moments of relief, rewarding me for the paltry efforts I do make. And he sends me strength when I least expect it.

I had the opportunity to drive some young women home from girl's camp yesterday and because I drove Josh's car, I actually got to listen to some music in the car (my car stereo has been broken for almost four years). Music is amazing. I don't know what the language of God sounds like, but sometimes when I am listening to the right music I think I know what it feels like. Usually it's when I am listening to hymns or church music, but other music can stir my soul in the same way.

I was listening to the song "Pass the Cross to Me" from the musical Shenandoah. I was hoping to find the lyrics to share, but the lyrics for this show are apparently among the few pieces of information in the world that you cannot find online. It's just not the same without the music, though, and even if you heard the song, you would probably just scratch your head trying to figure out why it moved me so much. It was just the right song right then and I felt like I was being spoken to. Even now, thinking about it makes me cry. And I sang the words in full voice and they were a pledge, a prayer. And now I feel a little better and a little more ready to face the rough road ahead.

As I look back down the road of my life, it is littered with moments like these. The weight of the world is still on my shoulders, but it doesn't seem quite so heavy. Perhaps it is in these moments, I surrender and allow myself to be yoked with the Savior and allow Him to shoulder some of the load, instead of demanding that there be no load. And though almost all the work done is not being done by me, I feel strong, I feel brave and I feel whole.