Now that it's June . . .

I thought I should do a post about Charlie turning one on May 3.

In June of 2006, I was holding a 7 month old Katie in my arms while listening to a talk at church. Everything was going fine when it suddenly happened -- I got this feeling, this overwhelming feeling that I needed to have a baby. I thought, "Um, hello. I have a baby, actually, already. See? The one sleeping in my arms? I've got this covered." But the feeling would not go away.

And so I proceeded to get pregnant two months later, destined to have children who were a mere 18 months apart. Honestly, it's not the hardest gig in the world. My mom had 5 kids in 5 1/2 years. There are all these people running around who have 2,3, 6 kids at a time. Having two closely-spaced children and a much older one who is a terrific helper should not be all that scary. But I was terrified. Completely chicken. I admit that sometimes I did not feel all that happy about being pregnant.

These feelings persisted even after getting my first good look at the little tike and finding out for sure he was Charlie and not a Lucy. But the problem wasn't really the baby. It was me. I felt all wrong for the task at hand. Someone else should have been taking on the challenge of this new life. But it was a little late for that to be an option.

I alternated between being excited and just very, very anxious almost all the time. I didn't share my trepidation too much because it just felt wrong not to be elated all the time.

Finally, Charlie came into the world. Each labor is different and this one included some neat firsts for me. It was the first time I could feel my contractions to push (my epidurals in the past had been VERY effective); it was the first time I could feel my child coming out of my body; and it was the first time my baby was put onto my chest right away, before being whisked away for cleaning, measuring, etc.

As I think back on that experience, I cannot help but cry. I don't have the words to express the emotions that I felt as that life just slid out of my body and into the world. And then when they placed that little boy on my chest, all I could think was, "he's mine, he's mine." I knew Charlie belonged with me.

And now when I think back on all the fear I experienced before I met Charlie, it all seems like so much foolishness. There has never been an easier baby to care for in all the world. He started sleeping through the night at six weeks old. He barely ever cries. He is my only baby who was ever happy to just hang out in a bouncy seat. He eats everything (including anything he can find on the ground). He is mellow, laid back, and content. He can entertain himself without any seeming need for attention, but when there is playing afoot, he jumps in wholeheartedly, chasing brother and sister about and jumping on mom and dad.

And have I mentioned he's gorgeous? Nothing could have prepared me for what a handsome lad he would be. He was a cute baby, but the older he gets, the cuter he becomes.

And he is so loved. Katie and Alek adore him. Alek especially is so happy to have a little brother. And Charlie just lights up whenever Katie and Alek walk into a room. Besides teaching our children the gospel, I feel like the greatest gift Josh and I could have ever given them was each other. I'm so glad we did. And I hope we are not done with our giving.

I'm so grateful for that feeling that wouldn't go away, that feeling that I needed to cast aside my notions of the "right time" and trust in the Lord's timing. I can't imagine my life without Charlie and the joy that he brings. So a belated happy birthday to the boy who constantly reminds me that I'm much better off when I listen to the Lord instead of myself.

On his actual birthday.

His first taste of cake, at his party two days after his birthday. (It didn't turn him into a demonic monster, I just don't know how to fix the red eyes in photos yet.)

Charlie's puppy dog cake. Charlie reminds me of a dog so he got a puppy party.

And a video for good measure. On Charlie's actual birthday.