So why so glum, chum? It's a question I have been asking myself all year. I've been struggling with my emotions. I am often sad for no apparent reason. I frequently lack motivation. Dare I say it? I have been depressed! But why?
Part of it, I know, and have known all year, is because I am not doing the things I need to do to maintain equilibrium in my life -- consistently reading my scriptures, praying sincerely daily, frequently attending the temple. Without doing those things, I find it is harder for me to function and especially to function happily.
But this week, I have come to realize, there is more to it. I won't go into all the details, mainly because I cannot find the words, but I am finally coming face to face with the fact that I am sad that Charlie is autistic. I have been trying to prevent myself from being sad. I have felt guilty about being unhappy about this disorder because then I feel like I am being unhappy about Charlie. So for months I've stuffed my feelings down; occasionally, they would surface and I would push them away as quickly as I could. But I have come to realize this week that I need to allow myself to grieve. I think life is hard for Charlie. I think he often feels frustrated because he isn't getting what he needs and I am often frustrated because I don't know what he needs. I don't know what he wants and I don't know how to explain things to him. I don't know how to make him understand that we're not trying to hurt him when we bathe him or that we're only taking the scissors away from him to keep him safe. I know these things are hard to explain to all two year olds. But what if Charlie is never able to understand these things? That's a possibility.
We don't know how severe Charlie's autism is. We cannot predict what Charlie's capabilities will be. I hate not knowing. I've been trying to tell myself all year that Charlie's condition is not that bad. I've been relying on him being able to one day have normal conversation and go to school and read and have a job. But I have to face that those things may not be possible for him. I want Charlie to be able to have friends, I want him to be independent, I want him to go on a mission and get married. And the further we get on that list of my wants for him, the less likely it is that those things will happen. And it just is devastating to me. And I feel horrible for being devastated. Why do I feel so bad for feeling so bad? I don't know. But I need to stop pretending like everything is okay. I have to deal with my feelings. I won't really be okay until I do.
And that is one of my many, many goals for 2010.
On a happier note, I have four of the cutest kids in the known universe. I am glad we were able to get their pictures professionally taken, even though it didn't go quite as I planned and I ended up spending way more than I should have. Oh, well. Look at how cute they are:
3 comments:
Does it make you feel at all better that you are not alone? I cried with you my sister while reading this post. I know your feelings all too well. Being there, doing that-everyday.
We will be okay. Because of our Savior, it will all be okay.
Love you!
And yes, your kids are super cute!
I think the hardest sorrows are the ones we feel for our children. Today in Relief Society, the RS Pres said that our children are our greatest joys. But what if they are also the source of our greatest sorrow? I'm not saying that Charlie isn't a source of joy, but perhaps coming to grips with the fact that he may not have the ability to have the kind of life that we all just assume our children will have is very sorrowful. Shouldn't that be mourned? If in fact Charlie can never be independent and do all that you wish each of your children will one day do, I think it is more than okay to be sad and grieve about that. I feel sorrow for him and for you as his parents. Although in a very different form and because of very different circumstances, I know the pain that comes when the child you thought you had is lost to you. I say give yourself the time and the space to mourn for the loss of the Charlie that might have served a mission, married, had children, etc. And then take comfort in knowing that one day, even if far into the future, Charlie will have an opportunity to know the joy that those blessings bring. Here's to a brighter 2010. I love you bunches and bunches.
I think it takes a lot of courage to share those feelings and I agree with what others have said. I think anytime we have to change what we saw as the future we grieve a bit and the bigger the change the longer we mourn and of course its always harder to see the extended blessings in the thick of it, but I think it's so great that you are so aware of your feelings and ready to face it, I think you are being an example to more people than you even know.
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