Well Maybe Next Time I’ll Estimate Me

My internal struggles rage on. Most recently I’ve been having a major case of the what-good-am-I’s.

Last Sunday, I came home from my Young Women's leader meeting crying. Those women, without meaning to, make me feel like a loser. They all are amazing – talented, smart, hardworking, spiritual, together. I don’t know why I am in YW or what I can contribute. I feel like the only thing unique about me is how lame I am compared to the rest of them. I feel useless.

At home . . . well, let’s just say, I fall short in every area of my family life.

At work, I have the same problem I have in YW. All the women in my department are superstars. Some of my colleagues in the past have been remarkable, but I’ve never worked anywhere like this, where it seems like every single employee is the cream of the crop. And there is nothing I can do that at least two or three or more of the people in my department could do just as well, if not a whole lot better, than me. I mean, maybe that is not true, but that is how I feel.

In everyone situation lately, I’ve been feeling like I bring nothing to the table. Except another pair of hands. And maybe that should be enough. I mean, the pair of hands are needed, I guess. But it doesn’t feel like enough. I want to feel like I have unique traits, talents, experiences – something – that make me an essential part of the team.

At work, review season is upon us. I had to write up my self-evaluation, one of my least favorite exercises in the world. And it was especially frustrating this year, because even though I worked really hard, I didn’t feel like my work necessarily fit with the objectives my manager and I had set earlier in 2009. And since my job responsibilities changed mid-year, I figured I should be very conservative with how I rated myself as usually the higher-ups don’t give high marks during what we call a “learning year.” The other thing I had to keep in mind is that my company doesn’t give out high marks in general anyway. We’re rated on a scale of 1 to 5 and a 3 is considered a good score. 4’s are rare. 5’s are pretty much unheard of. Basically, if you get a 5 you should be promoted as quickly as possible because you are too good for your job.

I’ve really been sweating getting my review. I just didn’t have a sense at all of how it would go. And I was supposed to get my review two weeks ago, but we’ve been so busy that there just hasn’t been time.

Today I got my review. I received an overall rating of 4.5. I was blown away.

My manager said, “I know you’ve been anxious about this, but I don’t know why. Did you really not know that this was going to go well?”

And you know, I really didn’t. I mean, I really, really didn’t. And I certainly wasn’t expecting such a high score. I was going to be very happy to roll out of there with a 3. Instead, I see this review with high marks and high praise and end up having a conversation with my manager about how her goal this year is to get me into a higher position because she knows I am ready for it. Um, wow.

As we were talking, my manager said I underestimate myself. Maybe that’s true. But after today, maybe next time I’ll estimate me. At least at work.

P.S. Favorite line from my review: “This exceptionally challenging year provided everyone in the department with an opportunity to shine or sink. Jessica shined.” Talk about a warm fuzzy.