So lately, I've been thinking a lot about having another baby. For a while, I thought that Josh and I were done. We were feeling a bit like we were overloaded. Um, actually, that hasn't changed. But when I said out loud to my mom that I thought we were done, I just started crying and I realized how much I wanted to have another baby. And I can't shake the feeling like someone is missing and Josh can't either. Now, I don't necessarily think that means we're supposed to have another baby, but why can't it just be enough to want to have one? Does Heavenly Father have to specifically direct me every time I have a child? Can't I just say, "hey, I'd like a baby and that's a righteous desire, so if you can help us out, that would be great"?
Anyway, I kinda derailed there.
I know that probably most people in the world already think Josh and I have too many children. They probably think we're crazy to consider having more, as renters of a small-ish home with one bathroom (but a garage and a great yard) and parents of a child with PDD-NOS and people who honestly don't really have it together. I mean, the state of my home is atrocious. My dear friend, Aimee, would probably faint dead away if she came into the mess we lovingly refer to as our bedroom.
Every day, I come face to face with an undeniable truth -- I am a terrible homemaker. I've changed my schedule at work to 7:30am-4:00pm, with the hope that I can get things done around the house and help Josh out with the kids. Today was day 2 of the new schedule -- I ate leftovers, my kids ate peanut butter sandwiches and raisins, and I spent about an hour reading my book on the couch. I am a big lazy head.
So maybe it is the worst idea ever to have another baby. Maybe it was the worst idea ever for us to have any. We're definitely not ideal parents. But we love our kids. We love the gospel. We try to teach our kids truth. Our kids are rascally, defiant, loud, and crazy, but they're happy and they're fun and they love each other and they love us. My house is usually a mess, but it's safe for my kids. We can't afford to put them in sports or dance or take them on fancy vacations (although we did 1 day at Disneyland and it was awesome), but we play ball in the backyard and we dance and sing in the living room and we drive to the temple for fun.
So maybe I'm nuts. I don't know. But don't be too shocked if in another couple of years, I have some news for you that involves gestation and labor and names. (I actually already know the name if we have a girl, a name that says so much about who Josh and I are and what we love. And we already know the nickname. And I am already writing it down just to see how it looks. And I love it. Of course, I will probably have a boy. And that's good, too. I mean, have you seen my boys? They're pretty adorable.)
I'm certainly not the kind of mother most people would want (I wouldn't want a mother like me, either), but I could be worse and I am trying to be better. I guess for the sweet, sweet spirits who are sent to my home, that is just going to have to be enough.
3 comments:
Jess, You are awesome! Just be happy.
I know how easy it is to look at everything that is "wrong" but so much is right. I know in my life it makes all the difference in the world when I focus on the positives. Everything is better.
I hope you have another baby too. You guys are "goodly parents" and your kids ARE pretty darn cute.
We are comanded to multiply and replenish the earth. It's the world that has all these requirements for how many kids we should have. I think if you guys feel like you want another baby, then go for it. Who cares what anybody else thinks anyway. I agree with Jen, you and Josh are goodly parents and that is more than any child could ask for in this world.
Oh yay, Jess! I think you're a great mother. It's so obvious how much love you have for your family -- you even have love in your heart for your ex (which is way more than I would have ever been able to muster!).
And how coincidental a post! I've got your email in my inbox and I keep meaning to write you and tell you....
We're having a baby! Due in December. That'll bring us up to 7 and it doesn't matter how many weird looks we get when we go out. One of Ken's answers when we prayed about it was 'There are precious spirits waiting for a good home'.
And who cares about housework anyway? Yes, your bedroom is a mess and my kitchen floor is atrocious, but my kids ate homemade bread today and you dance with your kids in the kitchen. And you're raising your children to know that Jesus is the Christ and so am I. That's the stuff that matters!
Again, I say, Yay Jessica!
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