I have a confession to make

I am terrible at making friends. The reasons for this are numerous, but it basically boils down to the fact that I am a terribly insecure person. When I tell people it's hard for me to make friends and talk to people I don't know, they usually don't believe me. But people who have known me long enough to see me sit in a corner in a room full of people on numerous occasions know that this is true. The problem is much worse in situations where I feel like friend-making is expected. So basically, every Sunday at church is an exercise in trying to overcome my fear of being humiliated and rejected -- an exercise at which I am constantly failing.

Which is why tonight was such a refreshing and rewarding experience. I actually feel like I took a step toward making a friend tonight. I moved here over a year ago and I have not made one single friend. And despite having a great husband who always listens to me and makes time to hang out with me, I have felt lonely and isolated. Women need other women to talk to and relate to. Back in good old Arizona, I had friends, my mom, and my sisters to fulfill that need. Here I just haven't found anyone who I have felt that friend connection with. There are many great and nice people who I chat with from time to time, but there has not been that person who feels . . . like you just fit with them. I don't know, that sounds too romantic and that's not what I mean, but do you get what I am saying? The kind of friend Anne Shirley would call a bosom friend, a kindred spirit.

I went to a Pampered Chef party tonight, which was just not something I wanted to do. I hate leaving again after I come home from work, partly because I am tired, partly because I am missing out on time with my husband and kids again. I really, really didn't want to go tonight because I had a rotten day at work. Some stupid assemblyman who thinks being an elected state official means everyone should treat him like a god got all cranky with me on the phone. My computer was freaking out. My husband did a really dumb thing that made me absolutely furious. I just wanted to come home, put on some pajamas and veg out. But my mother-in-law wanted me to go with her and I told her I would. Plus the food at Pampered Chef parties is usually pretty darn good. So I went.

I sat by a girl I go to church with (who is probably not technically young enough to be considered a girl, but my grandma calls her 80-year old friends girls and I will most likely do the same when I am her age) who I have secretly admired for many months and have wanted to get to know. But being me, I had no idea how to get to know her and was paralyzed by fear every time I thought about starting a conversation with her. About halfway through the evening we somehow just started talking to each other. Turns out she's a blogger and a fledgling (yet clearly talented) web designer and that we actually have some things in common. I had a great time talking with her and her sister. I hope this means that I am on my way to making a friend.

Then again, she may think I am the world's biggest dork (and my only reply to that would be, "guilty as charged") or she may not think anything of it at all. (And hopefully she isn't reading this post thinking I am a complete lunatic.) I may return to my paralytic state the next time I see her. Or worse I may try too hard and act like a total goon. But just for now, I am going to try not to talk myself out of being optimistic. I hope we will be friends. And for now, that hope is enough.