People Who I Just Can't Stand

Britney Spears. First she just was an untalented hack. Then she was an untalented hack who danced around half naked and was a terrible role model to all her young fans. Then she further punished the world by inflicting Chaotic on us. Now this. I've been done with her for about 5 years. Would she just go away already?

Sheryl Crow. Okay, I know it's mean to pick on her right now because she just called off her engagement. But I can't help it. I heard a song of hers on the radio the other day and it made my skin crawl. I used to think a few of her songs were okay. And then she did it. She committed blasphemy by turning The First Cut is the Deepest, a totally rockingly sweet song by Cat Stevens into a slow, boring, stupid song sung by a whiny lady with a grating voice. If I ever see her, I will stick my tongue out at her. In fact, I am sticking my tongue out at her right now. And even though she can't see me, I feel better.

Bruce. You know who you are. Thanks for consistently finding a way to make my life more difficult for the past . . . I don't know, 13 years? It's been great. But since I have some wonderful people in my life because I know you, I have decided I won't get the voodoo doll out. Yet.

My brother-in-law's ex-wife. You know all that stuff about wicked stepmothers in fairy tales just doesn't ring true to me. All the step-parents I know, including my sisters and my husband, are completely awesome and loving and great to their stepkids. The biological parental counterparts of the children whom they are raising, however, are a totally different story. Why don't you read about that in fairy tales, huh? Maybe because biological parental counterparts just doesn't have the same ring to it as stepmother. Who knows?

Bill and Hillary Clinton. They're such oozers. They just ooze and ooze everywhere they go. For example check out this picture of them at Coretta Scott King's funeral. I feel slimy just looking at their smug, self-satisfied, hypocritical faces.

Kobe Bryant. We affectionately call him rat boy at my house. I have a very strong feeling he wasn't so innocent of those rape charges, for one thing. For another he is an arrogant ball hog who is far more impressed with his skills than he should be. Okay, so you scored 81 points in one game, but most of the time your field goal percentage is in the 30 percent range. Last night you were 5 for 22. Do you really believe everyone's hype about you being the next Michael Jordan when you put up numbers like that? Please.

Basically every girl who is gorgeous. Stop making me feel so inferior!

Whoever invented ice cream, french fries, sour cream, and came up with the idea to fry food in the first place. Thanks to you all I will never be a girl who makes anyone else feel jealous, unless, of course, their goal is to have the world's largest rear end. Are you happy now?

That obnoxious man who turned into the wrong lane of traffic coming off the freeway the other day and thus almost killed me. I am not impressed by your driving or your snazzy personalized license plate that boasts of your PhD. Do you think your credentials make it okay for you to destroy my car and put my life in jeopardy? Just curious.

To all of you whom I cannot stand the least little bit -- get a clue. Seriously, people, it's just getting old now.